Giving the Gift of No

I am increasingly grieved as I watch the moral destruction of my country accelerate.  I look at my children and think about how strong they will have to be in order to withstand the verbal, financial, spiritual, emotional, and perhaps physical abuse they will face from a culture which calls good evil, and evil good.

I am seeing that there is no such thing as a truce with evil.  It is not tolerant.  It does not play well with others.  And when the bumper stickers urge you to "coexist", they really mean "drop your deeply held moral and religious convictions and stop talking about Jesus, you narrow-minded bigot."

It is not enough any more to have the goal of raising "nice kids", who we can then release into the lukewarm stew of a Judeo-Christian culture.

There was a time when parents could do that, and the undercurrent of shared Christian values and common grace would (after the expected season of wild-oats) bob them down the river into nice middle-class American lives.

No longer.  

If you aren't raising young soldiers who are passionate about truth, aware of evil, well disciplined, ministry minded, and others oriented, then they are more likely going to step off the dock, wave goodbye, and sink straight to the bottom.

Much as I wish I had the magic formula for raising children who will remain true to the Lord and mindful of their mission all their lives, I don't.  

But Scripture is speaking to us all the time.  It is bursting with truths about the nature of man, complete with detailed analyses of our propensities, proclivities, and pitfalls.  

And not only is it full of sage advice and detailed observations, it is illustrated throughout with cautionary tales of people who were swept away by their own wicked hearts.  

It is hard to hear that our sweet and cherished children are possessed of a depraved nature, or in Reverand Cameron's words "prone to all evil, averse from all good. "

Part 5 of his excellent sermon on motherhood deals with our obligation to train our little ones to hear and respond to the word "no".

"Beware," he says "of allowing them to have their own way."  Get them used to submitting to restraint.  Subject them to wholesome discipline--always administered in such a loving and gracious manner that they are aware that it is done for their benefit, not for the release of your frustration or out of embarrassment or simple irritation.  

Remember the case of Adonijah (1 Kings 1).  Scripture states that King David never wanted to upset his precious boy, so he never questioned anything the child did by saying, "Why do you behave as you do?" (1 Kings 1:6)

In other words, Adonijah was a spoiled brat.

Results:  David was tormented on his deathbed by the treachery of his son, and Adonijah's own brother was eventually forced to issue the order for his death.  Horrible.

Are we willing to risk creating monsters of selfishness just so we don't have to go through the discomfort of seeing their lower lips tremble when we tell them "no"?  

Many of us have been told by glossy magazines and "parenting experts" that good parents arrange the universe in such a way that their little darlings only hear "positivity".  We weren't supposed to discipline, we were supposed to re-direct them each time they bit one of the kids in playgroup or destroyed someone's home, re-arrange our schedules to avoid upsetting naptime, snacktime, storytime, playtime, and mealtime, distract them in the middle of their screaming fits, and defend them after they push their classmates off the slide, steal their friends' toys, and call their teammates bad words.  

We were to assuage every hurt feeling, massage their egos, and validate their inflated view of their position in the universe--basically go through 24 hour contortions to be sure they NEVER, EVER heard the word "no."

But the problem is that sometimes God says "no". 

He also says we do wrong (Romans 3:23, Romans 3:12), we ARE wrong (Jeremiah 17:9, Ephesians 2:3), we need help (Romans 8:7, Ephesians 4:18, Titus 3:3), and that the gratification of our whims and passions will eventually lead to our destruction unless we turn from our wickedness and submit to His loving ways (1 John 1:8-10, 1 John 3:1, 1 John 1:7).

God, being Holy, must take sin seriously, and thus, we as parents must take it seriously in ourselves and our children.  His warnings are for our benefit and for the salvation of our children.  

Look at Eli (1 Samuel 3).  He was a good man, but a weak and irresolute parent.  He allowed his sons to have their own way, until he had lost his authority over them.  When he finally stood up and rebuked them on the wickedness of their conduct, his words were unheeded.

He got started too late and there was no catching up.  And oh!  How painfully must the message of the Lord by Samuel have fallen upon the old man's ears!  How his heart must have sunk within him as he heard these awful words of God--

"For I told him that I would judge his family forever because of the sin he knew about; his sons blasphemed God, and he failed to restrain them.  Therefore I swore to the house of Eli, ‘The guilt of Eli’s house will never be atoned for by sacrifice or offering.’”

 God is not mocked.  He means what He says and is never won over by big weepy eyes or whining.  So don't you be.

Do not give your precious children an inaccurate picture of their inherent brokenness, your inherent brokenness, and the cost and the terms of the incredible restoration God offers.   

"No" is one of the tools God uses to bring us to Himself.  Learn it, live it, love it.  

And then teach it to your children:)

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Romans 5:6-8

You see, at just the right time, when we were still powerless, Christ died for the ungodly. Very rarely will anyone die for a righteous person, though for a good person someone might possibly dare to die. 

But God demonstrates his own love for us in this: While we were still sinners, Christ died for us. 

Obediently Demanding Obedience

If the Rev. Cameron was not dead right now, I would like to respectfully ask him about point number four in his "Qualifications Essential to the Discharge of Maternal Duties" sermon.

He states, "Be firm and unbending in the exercise of your authority, requiring on all occasions implicit, unresisting obedience." 

The question I would like to ask is "How?"

What does that look like in the daily life of a 21st century American family?

And what about when your well-intentioned, loving discipline has failed to bear fruit?  What then?

And what about when you are not allowed to discipline?  

What about when you are in public?  In a culture that doesn't believe that children are ever wrong?  (Or that Christians are ever right?)  And your child is threatening a mutiny, but you can feel the government vultures circling above you, watching?  With little notebooks and pencils-- and handcuffs?

Or how about when the heart of your child grows cold for a season and your words fall into empty space?  

Or when the fog of exhaustion or distraction causes you to miss examples of disobedience or disrespect and you don't even recognize it until an ugly pattern is laid out and nailed down?

Or when you have messed this part up for a while out of laziness or ignorance and you are reaping a bitter harvest--but you still have years of parenting yet to go with these small hearts, in this small space?

What then?  Too late?  Too bad?  So sad?

The truth of what he says cannot be disputed.  God does not wink His eye at our partial obedience.  And if we train our children to obey us on a sliding scale, they will inevitably try it on God, with disastrous results.  (Think Saul.  Or David and Absalom.  Moses.  Gehazi.  Ananias and Saphira.)

But as you read this section--without giving yourself permission to fail--remember that Christ is the Redeemer.  And that blowing it is not necessarily "fatal and irrecoverable," as Rev. Cameron warns.  

Although it might be.

Hence the importance of taking what he says to heart, and setting perfect, loving, obedience as a worthy parenting goal, without being plunged into despair over past (or current) failures.  

So, without further ado, Part 4--

"Be firm and unbending in the exercise of your authority, requiring on all occasions implicit, unresisting obedience."

Absolute submission to the authority of God is essential to true religion.  It either happens or it doesn't.  You cannot be partly obedient.

We either love Him and show it by voluntarily placing our own wills under His complete control, or we set ourselves up as the gods of God--giving our stamp of approval to the mandates we like, and sending the others back to  Him with a rejection notice--as if we had the right to edit His edicts.  

Oh, how the idea of complete, unquestioning, voluntary subjugation of the will jangles our post-modern sensibilities!  

Is it any wonder our spirits rebel against the idea of demanding absolute obedience from our children when we have no intention of demanding it of ourselves before God?  

We arrogantly hold back vast swaths of our interior landscape from His sovereign cultivation, as if He could be trusted with "everything but"...

...how I spend my leisure time

...how we structure our families

...what I listen to

... how I spend my money

...what I watch

...how I dress

...the things I include in my casual conversations

Here's a little passage I like to read whenever I start feeling like I'm qualified to judge the Judge--

Job 40: What Can I Say?
 
1Then the LORD said to Job,
 
2“Will the faultfinder contend with the Almighty?
  Let him who reproves God answer it.”
 
 3Then Job answered the LORD and said,
 
4“Behold, I am insignificant; what can I reply to You?
  I lay my hand on my mouth.
 
5“Once I have spoken, and I will not answer;
  Even twice, and I will add nothing more.”
 
God Questions Job
 
    6Then the LORD answered Job out of the storm and said,
 
7“Now gird up your loins like a man;
  I will ask you, and you instruct Me.

8“Will you really annul My judgment?
  Will you condemn Me that you may be justified?
 
9“Or do you have an arm like God,
  And can you thunder with a voice like His?
 
10“Adorn yourself with eminence and dignity,
  And clothe yourself with honor and majesty.
 
11“Pour out the overflowings of your anger,
  And look on everyone who is proud, and make him low.
 
12“Look on everyone who is proud, and humble him,
  And tread down the wicked where they stand.
 
13“Hide them in the dust together;
  Bind them in the hidden place.
 
14“Then I will also confess to you,
  That your own right hand can save you.
 
Amen!  Doesn't that just blow your hair back:)

God has every right to be sovereign over you.  And He has given you absolute authority over your child, so that through their practice of daily, implicit submission to your will, they might in time be trained to exercise daily, implicit submission to His.

Until your child is able to judge rightly for himself, you are to him in the place of God; and if you allow yourself to be argued down--if you habitually compromise your position of authority in your child's eyes--you essentially train your child to be a rebel against God.

If, out of laziness, or selfishness, or a misguided sense of compassion, we cultivate insubordination in our children, we must then be willing to take some of the credit for their eternal ruin.

It goes without saying that consistency on this point is also essential.  God never says, "You must obey me--except when it has been a really long day and I'm too tired to argue about it."  

Or, "You must obey me--except when I'm feeling lazy, or not wanting you to make a scene in front of My friends, or if you cry and complain long enough and loud enough to tug on My heart strings."  

His standard is absolute, and since you are a picture of Him to your children, yours must be also.  

This is not to say you should be severe!  No!  No! No!

(Did you hear me say, "No"?)

"The most unbending authority may and should be blended with the most unwearied love."

And the two ought always to be blended because they are the two great principles of God's government, and your family government should resemble His.
 
Nor should your children be required to obey your whims and wimsy.  We are talking about obedience to the standards of God, your Lord and Commander, whose scriptural mandates you are first living under yourself, and then passing along to your children.  

Remember, "the unwearied exercise of love will prevent your authority from degenerating into harshness--and the unbending exercise of authority will prevent your love from degenerating into foolish indulgence."

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Colossians 3:20 

 Children, obey your parents in everything, for this pleases the Lord. 

Proverbs 6:20 

My son, keep your father's command and do not forsake your mother's teaching. 

Deuteronomy 6:4-9 

“Hear, O Israel: The LORD our God, the LORD is one. You shall love the LORD your God with all your heart and with all your soul and with all your might. And these words that I command you today shall be on your heart. You shall teach them diligently to your children, and shall talk of them when you sit in your house, and when you walk by the way, and when you lie down, and when you rise. You shall bind them as a sign on your hand, and they shall be as frontlets between your eyes. You shall write them on the doorposts of your house and on your gates.”

John 15:14  

“If you love me, you will keep my commandments.” (Jesus’ speaking)

John 14:23-24
Jesus answered and said to him, "If anyone loves Me, he will keep My word; and My Father will love him, and We will come to him, and make Our abode with him. "He who does not love Me does not keep My words; and the word which you hear is not Mine, but the Father's who sent Me.

Preaching What I Want to Practice

Or "How to Be a Good Mom, Part 3--Consistency"

Disclaimer:  I want to be clear that the following words are what I WANT to do, but reality has often been something quite different. 

And I am not just being humble, or fishing for "Oh, stop it, Sandra!  You are actually awesome at everything" type comments.  

I am pleading for wisdom and grace in this area because I just can't seem to catch everything I need to catch--in myself and in my children-- in order to be as consistent in my discipleship as I NEED to be.  

Certain little ones are taking advantage of that fact and laying down bad habits and attitudes.  Others are, I think, losing respect for the fact that my standards and my practice don't always line up as they should. 

So this section is painful to re-write because it is particularly convicting right now, and although the words are on my blog, I am sitting under the admonition as much as anyone else.  

Far from pounding the pulpit, I am cringing in the pew.  

OK.  Here goes...

3.  In all you do, you must demonstrate relentless consistency.

The old saying "actions speak louder than words" is so common as to be trite and easily dismissed.

But it contains a hard truth that is critical for parents to understand.  

Your children, even from a very early age, are studying you.

Even the slightest inconsistency in you--even if it is only demonstrated in a word, a tone of voice, or an expression--will lower your influence with them to a remarkable degree.

And when a child learns to distrust a parent, all her warnings, correction, and advice, however heartfelt, will fall powerless.  This is perhaps one of the main reasons why we so frequently see the children of godly parents grow up to reject the faith.

If your example is not uniformly consistent with your instructions, your instructions will become a useless mockery. 

***Here followed an example of a Mrs. Smith who came to her church elder in distress because her daughters were rebellious and unrepentant.  She begged with tears that he would pray for them and insisted that she had "done all she could--she had prayed for them, and talked with them" and still it had done no good.

A few days later, the elder observed the woman in casual conversation with another lady from the congregation.  Mrs. Smith was effusive and friendly in her interaction with this other woman, urging her to stay longer, exuding warmth and sweetness.

As the woman turned to leave, Mrs. Smith expressed the hope that they would see one another often...but scarcely had the door closed behind her "friend", when Mrs. Smith turned to her daughters and started bad-mouthing the woman to them.  

Even her expression changed.  All grace and charity was sucked out of the room as she began to tear her friend apart with a critical spirit, pointing out her flaws and making fun of her idiosyncrasies.

"It is no difficult thing," the elder wrote, "to see why 'it does no good' for the mother to 'talk about religion' to her daughters; and I thought it must be impious mockery for that mother to pray for the conversion of her children, while she continued to set before them such an example."***

We could insert modern examples that are much the same.  

Would what we say in front of our children about our family, friends, and co-workers bear repeating in public?  To their faces?  

Are we double-minded and fork-tongued?

How about exhorting our children to "be peacemakers" with each other as we lead with our impatience in our dealings with them?

What are we watching and listening to as we urge them to "set no unclean thing" before their eyes?

How well do we "submit to ruling authorities" (even the ones we don't like) and obey the law (including traffic laws:) as we lecture them about obedience to parents, teachers, and coaches, and teach them the importance of following rules?

Mothers!  Watch your conduct!

Your children watch it.  

Every expression on your face, every word you utter, every action they see you perform is scanned and scrutinized by them, and if they see that you are being inconsistent, they will eventually in their hearts despise you.

You cannot fool a child very long with regard to your true character;  the only sure way to appear consistent is to be so.

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 For those of you who find yourselves rocking back and forth in the fetal position after reading this, please don't despair!  

I hope that we always remember that God is merciful.  We are in need of His forgiveness and He is so faithful to grant it when we ask.  

And amazingly, so are our children!  

I have seen over the years that God has gifted little ones with vast wellsprings of forgiveness toward their parents, if we would only humble ourselves and ask--and then repent and try to do better by the power of God.   

May He grant us the strength to see our inconsistency, to turn from it, and to walk in His ways both publicly and privately!

Psalm 103

 

 Bless the Lord, O my soul,
And all that is within me, bless His holy name.
 Bless the Lord, O my soul,
And forget none of His benefits;
 Who pardons all your iniquities,
Who heals all your diseases;
 Who redeems your life from the pit,
Who crowns you with lovingkindness and compassion;
 Who satisfies your years with good things,
So that your youth is renewed like the eagle...

...The Lord is compassionate and gracious,
Slow to anger and abounding in lovingkindness.
 He will not always strive with us,
Nor will He keep His anger forever.
 He has not dealt with us according to our sins,
Nor rewarded us according to our iniquities.
 For as high as the heavens are above the earth,
So great is His lovingkindness toward those who fear Him.
 As far as the east is from the west,
So far has He removed our transgressions from us.
 Just as a father has compassion on his children,
So the Lord has compassion on those who fear Him.
 For He Himself knows our frame;
He is mindful that we are but dust.

 As for man, his days are like grass;
As a flower of the field, so he flourishes.
 When the wind has passed over it, it is no more,
And its place acknowledges it no longer.
 But the lovingkindness of the Lord is from everlasting to everlasting on those who fear Him,
And His righteousness to children’s children,
 To those who keep His covenant
And remember His precepts to do them.

 The Lord has established His throne in the heavens,
And His sovereignty rules over all.
 Bless the Lord, you His angels,
Mighty in strength, who perform His word,
Obeying the voice of His word!
 Bless the Lord, all you His hosts,
You who serve Him, doing His will.
 Bless the Lord, all you works of His,
In all places of His dominion;
Bless the Lord, O my soul!