I am taking a day off school to organize my house a little. Jamey threatened to burn it down if I don't reduce the piles of junk that are covering every flat surface in here. Where does it all come from? I submitted a video application to Hoarders in the hope that someone would come and tell me where to start.
Sometimes I think Jamey's standards are too high. If there isn't pee on the walls and no one is stuck to the floor in the kitchen, then I am pretty pleased. Jamey, on the other hand, is bothered by the dust bunnies in far corners and Playmobil pieces under the couch.
Who even looks under the couch? The dust bunnies just want to live their peaceful lives in remote crevices. They have never caused a moment's trouble. In fact, I think they are there to watch over us with their kind, little, fuzzy eyes. Like watch dogs, but smaller and quieter. And cheaper.
As for toys under the couch, since that is where they end up all the time, why not just have the kids put them there on purpose? How much easier it would be to say, "Kids! Daddy's home! Kick your cars under the couch, throw your shoes behind any random door, and shove your Playmobil pieces into the southwest corner of the living room. It's OK! The dust bunnies will watch them for you."
I should have my own show. I would put cameras in a home for one week, watch where everyone naturally puts their stuff down, and then I could just come in and put labels on it.
As in, "See how Mr. Blandford drops his wallet and keys in the middle of the kitchen island every night? I have made a little sticker and put it right there so that Mrs. Blandford will not constantly move them to the basket by the door when she is trying to cook and serve food to her family at the island.
And little Buford Blandford is prone to leaving his train tracks on the stairs, so you see how I have labelled the fourth stair from the bottom as his "Train Tread", so that people can plan ahead to step over that particular board."
So practical! And it follows Oprah's--and Lady Gaga's--excellent advice to love yourself exactly the way you are. Embrace your squalid self and throw aside those pesky twinges of conscience that tell you to improve your habits to the point that others can actually stand being around you. Because out of the 7 billion people on the planet, the universe is only concerned with YOU and your constant contentment.
Um. Now that I have followed my idea to it's natural end, I am in total agreement with Jamey. The dust bunnies have got to go, and Playmobil needs to get re-acquainted with Rubbermaid.
I am going to round up my children and set them to work. Oprah and Lady Gaga have handlers to clean up their messes, both physical and emotional, but the rest of us had better learn change our natural inclinations toward selfishness and sin, and learn to serve one another.
