"I Dream of Lemurs" or "Why I Left the Human Race"

I have tried living as a human.  Frankly, it is exhausting.  It is often painful.  It holds out all sorts of promises and then, wham-o!  

It falls short of expectations.  

I remember when I first started out as a human.  I had dreams.  Big ones.  

Is it too much to ask to be a famous singer who also plays pro-volleyball?  No!  Shouldn't I be able to fly?  Yes!  And grow dimples?  By all means!  And be six feet tall?  Absolutely!

And I'm pretty sure that at some point I was told, "If you can dream it, you can do it," but did ONE of those childhood dreams come true for me?  Nope.

Not only that, but it turns out (if the statistics are right) that the human condition is almost universally fatal.  Fatal!

Not to mention how many irritating "people" you have to interact with.  Just because you are human, other humans automatically think they get to be all up in your business.  Talking.  And asking you to do stuff that you don't want to do, and taking you places you don't want to go, and forcing you to use alarm clocks and deodorant.

I bring this to your attention as a public service because "too many people have been hurt". 

Children, women--even men--have begun life as starry-eyed humans, only to end up dead and discouraged.  Although not usually in that order.

"Others have grown bitter and jaded." 


I see a "discernible pattern of harm, and it must be addressed".  Some humans are "beginning to speak up".  They are "seeing the problems with trying to acclimate" to this odd group.  They are tired of the "constant under-achieving", and the "problems of proper socialization", and the "burden of high expectations", so they are "joining forces to create a growing community of misfits, survivors, and allies".  

"Some are calling for increased government oversight" of human activities.  

"Some are exploring paths to peace outside" humanity.

Because ultimately, "anything good cannot possibly have this many problems associated with it".  Right?  

Simple deflective reasoning, folks!

So! I have decided to throw in my lot with the lemurs.  I am changing my orientation, joining forces with the peaceful, wide-eyed danglers of the Madagascar forests (and assorted North American zoos)--if they will have me.  I have a letter in to the Duke Lemur colony in North Carolina, but I haven't heard back. 

Why lemurs, you ask?  Well, continuing with my faultless logic, how many lemurs do you know who have ever been cited for road rage?  How many abusive lemurs have you met?  A lemur with a drinking problem?  Unheard of.  A rude lemur?  Never!  A lemur with unruly children?  Doesn't exist.  Littering lemurs?  Looting lemurs?  Loitering lemurs?  Well, maybe, but loitering is a very minor offense in the grand scheme of things.

Let's not get picky.

I'd invite you to join me, but I'm afraid that, as the old saying goes, "too many humans spoil the Utopian fantasy," so I'm going alone.  

Shangri-lemur, here I come!

What?  Why do you have that strange look on your face?  I am using logic straight from the pages of all the best magazines and websites!  

These are some of the leading arguments of people who want to leave pretty much any human system and join another these days.  

Didn't you see my quotation marks?  I took them directly from recently published articles on the topics of, "why I am leaving homeschooling", "why I can no longer support courtship", "why I am no longer a Christian", "why the patriarchy movement is horrible", "why I ended my marriage", and "why I walked away from evangelicalism." 

These are just the ones I have come across recently in my circles of interest, but I dare say there are similar sentiments coming from the other side of the political and religious spectrum.  

Then I noticed that the common thread in all of them was HUMAN INVOLVEMENT, so I just drew out the argument to its logical conclusion, and--voila!  It led me to lemurs.



OK.  So I'm not really going to join the lemurs.  (Yet.)  But I was trying to make a point about the trend in the articles I've been reading lately.

It would be just as ridiculous for me to write off the entire human race for not meeting my expectations as it is for an individual to condemn an entire movement or system or belief by saying, "Well, lots of the people who have participated in it were hurt."  

Yep.  They were.  It's part of being a human being participating in life.

Sometimes Christians practice their faith inconsistently and they hurt people.  

Sometimes homeschoolers are overly lax or overly strict, and they hurt people.  

Sometimes evangelicals don't extend grace the way they should and they hurt people.  

Sometimes the fathers who were trying to protect their daughters in the patriarchy or courtship movement are heavy handed, or unloving, or hypocritical, and they hurt people.

Sometimes spouses and parents are insensitive and rude and they hurt people.

There are many good reasons for chucking out a belief system, but "people were hurt"  is not a particularly strong one since it is present in EVERY SINGLE HUMAN ENDEAVOR.

As such, it certainly shouldn't be the one people lead with when they want to change directions.  

What if I can find just as many "people who were not hurt by courtship/homeschooling/public schooling/evangelicalism/fill-in-the-blank" to stand on my side?  Where will we have gotten in our discussion?  

We might as well face each other and blow raspberries. 

Because those arguments work the other way too.  What if I can point to hundreds of people who have come out of abuse or addiction--or prison camps--and gone on to live productive lives?  Maybe they have even used their experiences to make them stronger people.  Can I then justify those things as healthy lifestyle options?

I think the problem lies in our desire to find a "program" to get behind or a "movement" to join.  So we look around and find one that appeals, and then because we are human, frail and flawed, the program disappoints.  And so we pick up our marbles and look around for another belief system.

One that will either:

1) justify us in our desire to engage in a certain behavior, or  

2)  bring peace to our chaos.  

Because sometimes we just want to do what we want to do, and we crave validation.

And other times, when life is swirling around our feet and threatening our plans and undermining our confidence, we start to desire a sanctuary--a foolproof prescription for life, a "program" wherein we can enter our symptoms, or fears, or future hopes for ourselves or our children, and get a handy print-out containing "12 Steps Guaranteed to Get you From Here to There." 

There is no such thing.  No "one size fits all" group we can join that will fix our problem.  


As usual, God gave us something better, and it was no cookie cutter program.  

He gave us a relationship with him.  We are beloved individuals--sons and daughters created to operate within a world of beautiful principles which He has scattered through His word like diamonds. 

Principles for how to live in a right relationship with Him. 

Principles for how to gain the right perspective about ourselves.  

Principles for how to relate properly with others.

Not mere programs.


Sometimes, however, for the sake of clarity the principles can be grouped together in an organized fashion and given a name.  Courtship, for example.  Evangelicalism.  Complementarianism. 

This can be useful for those who are searching for a way to apply the attitudes and actions they have determined to be true, but it is never the system that saves.  It is the individual application of truth.

Truth is truth, no matter where it is found.  God created it.  He communicates it in His word and illuminates it with His Spirit.  He reveals it to those with humble, teachable hearts and yearning souls.  It can be applied everywhere and always.

Let's take some of the "one anothers" found in Scripture, for example.  

We are told to love one another.  (John 13:34)

Honor others above ourselves. (Romans 12:10)

Be devoted to one another in brotherly love. (Romans 12:10)

Live in harmony with one another.  (Romans 12:16)

Instruct one another. (Colossians 3:16)

Serve one another in love.  (Galatians 5:13)

Be patient with one another. (Ephesians 4:2)

Be humble toward one another. (1 Peter 5:5)

Be kind and compassionate. (Ephesians 4:32)

Bear with one another.  (Colossians 3:13)

Submit to one another. (Ephesians 5:21)

Encourage one another. (1 Thessalonians 5:11)

Be willing to associate with those in low positions. (Romans 12:16)

We are admonished not to deceive one another. (Leviticus 19:11)

Not to steal from one another. (Ditto)

Not to lie to one another. (And again, but also elsewhere.)

Not to be proud or conceited. (Romans 12:16)

And this is a VERY partial list gathered from some recent sermon notes. (Thank you, Pastor Ford:)

You can see how someone who wished to apply  these principles to the process of finding a spouse, for instance, might run into trouble with a traditional dating culture full of selfish hook-ups, casual sex, and serial partners.  

So, such a person might use some of the "one anothers" to design a "system" with the goal of protecting the hearts of both the pursuer and the pursued.  

He might suggest that a person should treat potential partners the way he would want someone to treat his future wife--gently, with pure motives, in a considerate, unselfish manner, with accountability built in to guard against human weakness.

Such a system might eventually develop a name for ease of discussion.  (In this scenario, picture putting all the goals and principles for finding a mate into a basket and putting a "Hello, My Name Is Courtship" tag on it.)

But there is no magic in the name.  You can practice courtship righteously--or you can do it selfishly or rigidly or lustfully and reap what you sow.   

Conversely, you could apply truth parameters to the "dating" model which might then allow it to be done with integrity, purity, and accountability.  

The principles have the power.  

The same holds for homeschooling.  It can be done sloppily or harshly or lazily or angrily, but if you do it like that you are not likely to achieve the goals you have set for education, discipleship, or character.  There is no magic.

Ditto for marriage.  It can be entered into selfishly or thoughtlessly or callously and be a disaster.  Or it can be practiced with love and devotion and selflessness and humility and become something of great beauty.

Bottom line in the words of Job "Those who plow evil and those who sow trouble reap it."

Galatians 6:7-8 says, "Do not be deceived, God is not mocked; for whatever a man sows, this he will also reap.  Whoever sows to please their flesh, from the flesh will reap destruction; whoever sows to please the Spirit, from the Spirit will reap eternal life."

There is no end run around the consequences for not doing things God's way--although He is very gracious and patient and forgiving.  Goodness knows He has covered over my failings time and time again, but that doesn't mean I am going to stop trying to find out what pleases His heart, and then DO IT.

Why?  Well, it has nothing to do with earning brownie points for heaven.  Nor do I have any interest in my own personal "Club for People Who Are Better Than You".

It is simply that I love Him.  

I trust Him.  

He has covered me with grace and made me His daughter.  For this reason, I will never stop trying to search out His wisdom and His ways.  

And I never, ever want to give in to the kind of lazy thinking that accepts "any old way" because some people survive it, or condemns an entire movement because some people try it and get hurt.  

I want to examine my decisions in light of what I know of God, and with a sober view of my own tendencies toward sinful self-justification.  

Enough hopping on and off judgmental bandwagons whenever the wind changes direction!  

And conversely, no more bestowing blanket blessings over everyone, everywhere in every way.

I want to figure out where God wants me to go and how he wants me to live.  I want to evaluate my options with wisdom.  True, I may be able to arrive at the same endpoint by several different paths (for instance, purity in choosing a mate), but which one involves less risk?  Which one is a better fit for my temperament and temptations?  Which has the best chance for success, as defined by God?  What have I seen work for others?  What has not worked for others?  Why or why not?

If want to know His heart for my life, it will involve the constant use of my head, and effort beyond knee jerk reactions to what other people have done.

Wake up, Christians!  (And I am preaching to myself.)  Don't settle for programs.  You have been given a Gift of matchless worth, and a brain to understand it!  Read it.  Meditate on it, and then read it again.  Think it through.  Learn to love it.  Pray for discernment.  Lay your decisions at His feet and pray again.  

Not in fear of making a mistake, but in expectation of the promise that, "if any of you lacks wisdom, let him ask of God, who gives to all generously and without reproach, and it will be given to him."  James 1:5

Amen and amen. Thank you, Jesus!

Simple. Personal. Beautiful. True.  

**********

Psalm 119:54-64

 

Your decrees are the theme of my song 

wherever I lodge.  

In the night I remember your name, O LORD, 

and I will keep your law. 

  

 This has been my practice: 

I obey your precepts. 

  You are my portion, O LORD;

 I have promised to obey your words.

   

I have sought your face with all my heart; 

be gracious to me according to your promise.

I have considered my ways 

and have turned my steps to your statutes. 
  

I will hasten and not delay 

to obey your commands.  

Though the wicked bind me with ropes, 

I will not forget your law.

  

At midnight I rise to give you thanks 

for your righteous laws.  

I am a friend to all who fear you, 

to all who follow your precepts.

The earth is filled with your love, O LORD; 

teach me your decrees.

How to Lose Friends and Influence People

 

Hmmm...ok.  Here's a story.

Once upon a time, I was born.  

I gave no thought to my parents' schedule that day, and for the next 18 years or so, I continued in that tradition, mewling at all hours for food, pacification, and in time, the keys to the car.  I demanded to have my way--sometimes with tears and a stomped foot, sometimes with the silent treatment.  

I accepted privileges as my birthright and begged for more.  I expected and received exquisite care.  I gave little thought to the number of sacrifices which were made to secure my comfort or the number of times my parents rearranged their lives to suit mine.   

Thankfully, my mom and dad spent a good deal of those 18 years helping me overcome my delusions of grandeur, but it was not an easy task.  The effort was immense.  Relentless.

I imagine there were days--especially during the early years...and the later years...and the ones in between--where they may have wondered if they would EVER get a return on their investment.

I'll bet they sometimes wanted a little more "me time" than I would allow.  I am sure I slowed them down, frustrated them, broke their favorite things, broke their budget, and broke their hearts from time to time.  

And yet they persevered.  And thanks to them, it looks like I may end up a fairly solid citizen.  

Amazingly, I never once heard them tell me how much they loved themselves.  They were probably too busy putting themselves last, and as a result they missed the memo about how if they had only spent more time in self-adoration, they could have "cured the world".  

Bummer.

Instead, they allowed ME to experience firsthand what love looked like, and the beauty of selflessness, and the fragrant offering of one life poured out for another. 

So, what about THEM?  Well, according to my opening quote, all they got was older, poorer, and tired-er, due to wasting their best years lavishing love, grace, and forgiveness onto their children. 

Children.

Draining.  Time-consuming. Inconvenient.

****

Here's another story.

Last week my husband, Jamey, had knee surgery.  It threw him into an arthritis flare the likes of which I have never seen him have before.  He hasn't slept through the night since then.  He knee remains swollen and has needed to be drained and injected twice.  He is in relentless pain from head to foot.  All the time.  

In order to better aid his recovery, right after his surgery the kids and I initiated Week One of  "Homeschool Boot Camp:  Summer's Over" complete with early morning crashing, banging, and yelling, and random bad attitudes throughout the day.  

The house is trashed.  Meals have been cobbled together.  Budget parameters have been blown out in every direction as I have discovered emergency curriculum gaps.  

Jamey's response:  Concerted efforts at not adding to my burden by quietly waiting for knee ice, or lunch, or heating pads, or meds.  He either doesn't ask or tries to get it for himself.  

He has not mentioned the house, other than to urge the kids to do their part.  

He has eaten sub-par meals with appreciation.  

He has not commented on the budget issues.  

He has faithfully attended the boys' baseball games with his bum leg slung up between two bag chairs.

He has taken out the trash (before I could stop him).

He has put away clean laundry (while on crutches).

He has cleaned up the kitchen.

He even went out yesterday and mowed our entire lawn so I wouldn't have to.  It took him hours to recuperate.  

Frankly, we have been impediments to his peaceful recovery.  Why would he put up with us?

All cost. No benefit.  And irritating to boot.

********

And another.

Driving with Kaiden today, I passed a little convenience store.  A lady was sitting in the middle of the parking lot.

Odd.  

It made me look again, and as I passed the scene, I saw a white haired woman, meticulously dressed, scrabbling in the gravel to find her footing.  Her purse lay some feet away, and a small group of people was running toward her.

But two women were already there.  Flanking her.  Bearing her up on either side.

Both of them had snowy-white hair, frail arms, and legs that looked no stronger than hers.  They were bent to the limit of their bodies, wrapping her up and lifting with all their might.

Three white-haired matrons from the generation who survived the Depression and decades of war upon war, raising children in a time of tumult and change, living by the strength of their hands and minds, playing their small parts in small communities, bearing up under tragedy, persevering in hardship, weeping, rejoicing, adapting, serving...  

...and now they are old, and suddenly one morning when one of them falls, the others don't have the strength left between them to help her up.  

Of what use is that feeble woman to us?  She is just a speed bump in the parking lot.

Sure, once upon a time her arms were strong enough to manage a household and her legs could carry her through long hours of work.  Now they can't even carry her safely from store to car.

Trembling. Slow. Useless. Cumbersome.  

 

*****

How about one more.

We met a young couple, newly married.  She was beautiful.  Bright.  Articulate.

He was broken.  

They had been on their way to their first family Thanksgiving as man and wife, and their car was crushed.  So was he.  When I saw him, he could barely move, could barely speak.  In an instant, a life of promise was turned into a giant question mark.  

What could he then offer, since the only certainty for them was the struggle ahead?

We met them at a rehab center while we visited with our friends who were fostering a baby girl.

She had also been broken.  Lying still in her bed, she couldn't even offer the "benefits" of a normal, cooing baby.  No smiles.  No chubby fingers reaching out.  To top it off, she wasn't even "theirs".

And yet they all stayed.  The wife, wiping her husband's chin, translating garbled speech, advocating for his care.  

And the family, praying for miracles, combing the baby's tiny curls, decorating the room in case she should one day open her eyes.  

Ugly and weak.  Burdensome liabilities. 

*****

Someday, you will become a ball and chain to someone.  

You will spend a week or a year--or ten years--carping and moaning, or blowing up over nothing, or being depressed.  

You will hurt people you love, and maybe even enjoy it.  You will say things that you would never want said to you, and you might not even regret it right away.

 

Or perhaps you will get old and slow and lose your memories.

You will repeat yourself and smell funny.

Maybe you will forget everything about everything that used to mean everything to you.  

And when that happens, don't worry!  You can scroll through ONE WEEK'S worth of Facebook posts and gain comfort from the wisdom found therein.  

Like this gem.

 Or this one.

Or this one!

And then you'll be able to go to your spouse or your children or your friends and say, "Don't bother putting your arms around me.  Don't ask God to grant you the patience and humor and love that just might be my last lifeline.  Don't try to see past my brokenness to the heart of my pain and need.  Don't do to me as you'd want done to you.  Don't offer me forgiveness and grace from the riches of our shared history.  Don't try to lift me out of my funk.  Leave me.  In fact, stab me in the eye before you go."

**Caution:  The previous paragraph contained sarcasm, a literary device which can be effective in small doses but which has been known to create grave concerns and even sleeplessness in readers of a more literal mindset.**

I wish I could say that the quotes I posted above were highly unusual and very difficult to find.  I wish I could say that it took a week of constant Internet trolling to dig up those *nuggets*, but it didn't.  

It took reviewing about a week's worth of Facebook posts.  And I have generally nice friends.  Salt of the earth folks.  

Funny how when horrible things are written in quirky script or printed over a nature scene, they gain credibility.  

Funny how we are all so reluctant to call garbage by it's true name when it is offered up by our "friends" in a public forum.  

Garbage, folks.  

Selfish, rancid, heartless, destructive garbage.

Call it where you see it. 

And:

 Stop liking it. 

And:

 Stop sharing it.   

Even when your mom posts it.  Just write, "Mom, this quotation is a fusty-smelling, maggot infested pile of pig swill.  I loathe everything about it except the kitten picture, and if there was such a thing as a 'hate' button, I would push it a million times."  

She'll forgive you.  She's your mom for goodness sake, and then you will at least have done your small part to curb the fountain of bilge that is hitting us all in the face.

  

If you think I am exaggerating, I have devised a little experiment to prove me right.  Below is an inspirational quote I came across the other day.  

 

Heartwarming, no?

Actually, I made it up, and it is awful.  

I double-dog dare you to post it and just see how many of your friends "like" it, or (God forbid) share it.   

And then if they do you can ask them where their discernment has got to and if they have made any plans to recover it at some point;)  

Happy Birthday, Rebekah!

Nineteen years ago today, a girl was born who would steal our hearts, brighten our world, and change our lives.  It has been a delight to watch her grow into the young woman she is today.  

Two years ago, when she graduated from high school, I read this letter at her open house.  

It holds true, dear girl.  You are still one of the greatest gifts in my life.  Happy Birthday! 

Dear Rebekah,  

      Nine months after Daddy and I were married, you came into the world—but not into our arms.  I would have loved to have known you then, to hold you and watch as you discovered the world, but it comforts me to know that your Heavenly Father knew you then and knew you perfectly. 

 He gave you your lovely smile and your red curls and placed inside you a gentle spirit and an open heart.  He protected you.  He used your first five years to teach you hard and important lessons, and to expand your capacity to care for the weak and vulnerable.  He put people around you that helped teach you what love looks like.  He gave you a hunger to know Him.

During your first five years, God was preparing us to be the kind of parents that you and Christina needed.  He humbled us and taught us to trust His ways.  He gave us time to feather our next, to collect good books and fun toys, to pray, to study His word, and to learn from our elders and friends what good parents looked like. He taught us patience.

And then, when the time was just right, God brought you 3,000 miles across the country and put you in our home, on Mother’s Day, in the room I had gotten ready for two little girls (I wonder…What would I have done with the ruffled bedspreads, dolls, and Raggedy Ann books if you and Christina had been boys?)

These first 12 years have gone so quickly!  I am very glad you are not leaving me yet, although I know in my heart that you belong as you always have, to God, and that I must hold you with open hands.

Rebekah, God is so good, so faithful!  I will never forget the day you bounced over to Daddy-mere weeks after you came to us—and said, “I am so glad I am here because before I came, I didn’t know God, and now I do!”  The Lord had called you, and your heart was eager to know Him.  What a joy to have seen that passion increase in you over the years!

I urge you to continue to be faithful in your study of the Word.  Scripture will speak truth even if no one else does.  

Seek out godly mentors and friends.  Open your heart to them and allow the Lord to speak into your life through them.  

Pray over everything.  As a woman, you will be called to wear lots of different hats.  You will run out of strength sometimes.  You will run out of hours before you run out of work, and you will always need God’s wisdom.

Chances are you will one day be married with children of your own.  I am already praying for your future husband, for my grandchildren, and for the necessary experiences between now and then to make you into the wife and mother God wants you to be.  

No matter what He calls you to, I hope you will take great encouragement from the way He has saved you, strengthened you, and set you firmly in your faith thus far.  

Daddy and I are so proud of you, and so very blessed to have been chosen to be your parents.  May you continue to glorify God with your life, to trust Him completely, and to rejoice in His perfect ability to mold you, mature you, and equip you for the good works He has prepared in advance for you to do.

“I keep asking that the God of our Lord Jesus Christ, the glorious Father, may give you the Spirit of wisdom and revelation, so that you may know Him better. I pray also that the eyes of your heart may be enlightened in order that you may know the hope to which He has called you, the riches of His glorious inheritance in the saints, and His  incomparably  great power for us who believe.”  Ephesians 1:17-19