Everything You Ever Wanted to Know About Launching Young Adults

Hahaha!  Gotcha!

If there was a "successfully launching well-rounded adults from your home" continuum ranging from "novice" to "expert", I'd be the one at the starting line waving a rattle and blowing spit bubbles.  

I freely admit to being new at this, but what I have been surprised by is the unsolicited horde of experts who have suddenly come out of the woodwork to openly tell me I am doing it wrong.

If I had a nickel for the number of raised eyebrows, pursed lips and cynical comments we have received from people who learn that our girls have not immediately flown the coop upon reaching the ripe old age of 18, I'd have almost enough to buy one college textbook;)

"You know, you're going to have to let them go sometime."

"Eventually they're going to have to learn to stand on their own two feet."

"You can't shelter them forever."  (Patronizing verbal head-pat.)

First of all, I don't lay claim to knowing the one and only absolutely foolproof method of raising children to adulthood and ensuring that they never make stupid decisions.  (Actually, I'm pretty sure there isn't one, seeing as how all children are humans, and all humans make at least a few regrettable decisions during the course of a lifetime.)

As for why our girls are still living at home, at this time both of our adult daughters are engaged in meaningful, productive activities both outside and within our home.  They work hard and contribute to our household and their community.  They have active social lives, but also seem to enjoy being with their parents and their siblings, and we certainly enjoy being with them.  

For these and other reasons, we have felt very comfortable in saying they are welcome to live here until God calls them elsewhere.  What I wasn't prepared for was the number of people who have openly intimated that we are doing it wrong.

I'm sure we are.  We have done certain things wrong at every state of parenting and there's no reason to think anything has changed, but neither are we just flying by the seat of our pants without any sort of plan or rationale for this phase of life.

We are trying to nurture our young adults by following the example of others we know who have raised fine, godly children, and for now, this is what it looks like. 

I freely admit that I am at the grammar stage of learning to launch young adults.  What this means is that I am mastering the facts of the situation, gaining vocabulary, and becoming familiar with the foundation of the concept before I build a house on it.  

And like anyone who is a grammar student in a subject, I need to look around and identify the people who have done this already and done it well, and then try to see what, if anything, they have in common with each other, and hopefully gain some wisdom from their methods.  

I learned how to speak English from those who speak it well.  I learned to read, write, and do math from people who were fluent in those disciplines.  I took piano lessons and played volleyball, learned how to play the drums, and ran track in high school under teachers and coaches who knew their fields better than I did, and I grew in skill under their tutelage.

In the same way, my parents took care to nurture my young faith by putting before me good role models, pastoral teaching, books, sermons, discussions, and mentors, and I learned how to walk in the nurture and admonition of the Lord.

By the grace of God, I continued to follow the same model of purposeful discipleship into adulthood.  When I was married, Jamey and I attended marriage conferences every year without fail, and actively sought the fellowship of older couples who were "doing marriage well".  

As a new mom, I read voraciously and again set myself under veteran mommies and sought the wise counsel of my own mom.

And now again, I find myself at a new stage of parenthood, and a new stage of learning how to do it well.  

Let me be clear--I am under no illusion that if I just "do everything right", I will magically end up with a perfect marriage, perfect kids, or a perfectly running household.  Human beings are quirky, unpredictable beings and formulas are only foolproof in math and physics:)

But God has given us principles--a moral framework within which human thriving is accomplished--and those principles are inculcated within a system of community marked by consistent accountability and discipleship, wherein (ideally) the elders take the younger men and women in hand and help cure them of the remnants of childish folly, pressing them gently and firmly toward the life of love, service, and sacrifice to which we are called as Christians.  (Titus 2, Hebrews 13:7 , Philippians 3:17, 2 Thessalonians 3:7-9 )

As in so many other things, our culture has managed to get this concept completely backwards.  We have adopted the "youth-as-god" model and allowed the students to become the teachers in everything from the mundane (fashion) to the monumental (faith).  

Around age 14, this generation has begun pushing away the very people who have the experience, wisdom, and knowledge to help them grow into healthy, functional adults.

Parents have been made to feel guilty for exercising some measure of oversight of their teenagers in matters of music, movies, and social media.  Instead of pulling their children up into the world of adult conversation, industry, and responsibility, we immerse them in a youth culture which glamorizes selfish irresponsibility and hedonistic consumerism of both people and things.  

At their demand, we give them unfettered access to devices full of unprofitable, immature, and often dangerous material.  We fill their eyes and ears with powerful images of sex without boundaries or consequences.  We gratify their whims and remove the expectation of hard work and sacrifice from their shoulders.  

We bless the intrusion of social media into every crevice of their existence and allow it to push our kids out of the warp and woof of family life, so that they effectively trade the community of individuals they were born into for a tailor-made posse of hand-picked admirers.  

Is mom demanding?  Are siblings annoying?  Is grandma boring?  With the flick of the thumb our babies can instantly connect with a throng of cheering fans, ready to "like" every selfie they take in the bathroom mirror, as well as the avalanche of artsy Instagram posts of their toes in the sand, their fingers curled around coffee cups, and delicate strands of hair wafting in front of cynically arched eyebrows.

We allow our teenagers to develop an addiction to electronic endorphins and foster an unrealistic appetite for adulation.

And then, at the ripe old age of 18, we drop these over-praised, over-sexed, over-stimulated, under-disciplined baby adults into a college culture packed with other over-praised, over-sexed, over-stimulated, under-disciplined baby adults (overseen by a gleeful band of career visionaries and academicians), wave goodbye, and yell, "Live long and prosper!" over our shoulders are we drive away.  

What?  Is it any surprise that the campus life at most colleges is awash with young men and women flaunting their nascent sexuality with reckless abandon, getting drunk, making permanent, life-changing decisions with half-formed frontal lobes, abusing drugs, committing suicide, and generally wreaking havoc with their lives and the lives of others?

Should we really be shocked that these "snowflakes" we have unleashed on the world are exhibiting all the thoughtful self control of a class of grammarians whose teacher has been locked out of the classroom?

This generation is having so much trouble adjusting to reality that, in addition to some of them not even being sure if they are boys or girls, they also need pet therapy and cry rooms to cope with the lawful results of a democratic election process. 

Could it be they are only living out the consequences of skipping the grammar stage of adulthood?

They are trying to speak a language they have never been taught, and I think that we parents are in large part responsible for putting that impossible burden on them.  

We cannot completely blame our children for acting like hedons when we as parents have been cowed into silence on the "ought to's" of adulthood.

And here again is where I start talking to Christians alone.  A pagan culture is being true to itself when it lives as though every man is his own god.  We ought not be surprised when we see it because God has told us it would be so. 

 Jeremiah 17:9 says,  "The heart is more deceitful than all else And is desperately sick; Who can understand it?"  

 Mark 7:21-23 reiterates, "For it is from within, out of a person’s heart, that evil thoughts come—sexual immorality, theft, murder, adultery, greed, malice, deceit, lewdness, envy, slander, arrogance and folly. All these evils come from inside and defile a person.”

As with most things related to human thriving, God has not been silent on either the pitfalls or the protections we can choose.

Here is what we know.

1).  No human is as spiritually strong or morally unassailable as they think they are.  (Galatians 5:17 "For the flesh craves what is contrary to the Spirit, and the Spirit what is contrary to the flesh. They are opposed to one another, so that you do not do what you want.")

2). We never outgrow our need for community and accountability, which means that we are ever in the roles of both discipler and discipled.  (Philippians 3:17 Join together in following my example, brothers and sisters, and just as you have us as a model, keep your eyes on those who live as we do.)

Because of the two previous points:

3).  We will become like the community of people we choose to closely surround ourselves with.  (Ephesians 4:17-25  "You must no longer walk as the Gentiles do, in the futility of their thinking. They are darkened in their understanding and alienated from the life of God because of the ignorance that is in them due to the hardness of their hearts. Having lost all sense of shame, they have given themselves over to sensuality for the practice of every kind of impurity, with a craving for more. But this is not the way you came to know Christ. Surely you heard of Him and were taught in Him in keeping with the truth that is in Jesus.  You were taught to put off your former way of life, your old self, which is being corrupted by its deceitful desires; to be renewed in the spirit of your minds; and to put on the new self, created to be like God in true righteousness and holiness.

Therefore each of you must put off falsehood and speak truthfully to his neighbor, for we are members of one another.")

4) At every new stage of life, we need to humble ourselves and learn how to do it well from the people who are doing it well. (1 Corinthians 11:1 "You are to imitate me, just as I imitate Christ.")



I am not saying that your adult children should never leave home without you, or that no one should ever send their kid off to college or into the work force, but for goodness sake, send them with the expectation that they will need to continue to live lives of connection and accountability.  

Check on them.  Ask hard questions.  Strive to maintain the heartstrings you have tied for 18 years.  Exhort them.  Encourage them.  Remind them gently of your mutual need for spiritual connection and Biblical instruction.  It is through this sharpening process that grammarians master their discipline and transition from being "snowflakes" to becoming spiritual leaders of the faith.   

Of course, with the learning of any new grammar, be it Latin declensions or "living holy as a young adult in a pagan culture", there will be missteps and errors, but for the Christian person, the Holy Spirit in conjunction with the Word of God and fellow believers walking in fellowship will faithfully redirect a willing heart when it falters.  

My prayer for my youngsters is that they will mature with the expectation of needing and welcoming that guidance throughout every new season of life-- not because they aren't grown up, but because they are creatures made for community, made to be both teachers and the taught from the moment of their birth to the moment of their death.  

This includes how to be a child, how to be a student, how to be a young adult, newly married, young parents, old parents :), empty nesters, grandparents, widows and widowers.  

There is a grammar stage for how to be godly when you fail and how to be godly when the world is your oyster, how to be strong, how to be sick, how to be young, how to be old, and ultimately how to die well.

For all of those stages, if we are willing to be humble enough to seek counsel from the faithful who have walked before us, we will conduct ourselves as the Apostle Paul wrote, " in a manner worthy of the gospel of Christ. [so that] whether I come and see you or hear about you in my absence, I will know that you stand firm in one spirit, contending side by side for the faith of the gospel."

 This is what we are trying to give our children for as long as they will receive it.  For now, it looks like all of us living under one roof, but even when that changes, my prayer is that they will always be willing to live under accountability--both to those who share the bonds of family and to those who share the bond of faith. 

Despite what our independence-obsessed culture says, interdependence is actually a gift we give one another.  

--A gift designed for us by a benevolent and wise God because He knew it would be the path to inner peace, true freedom, and human thriving. 

***************

Proverbs 3:1-8

My son, do not forget my teaching, 
but let your heart keep my commandments,
for length of days and year of life
and peace
they will add to you.

Let not steadfast love and faithfulness
forsake you;
bind them around your neck;
write them on the tablet of your heart.

So you will find favor and good success
in the sight of God and man.

Trust in the Lord with all your heart,
and do not lean on your own understanding.

In all your ways acknowledge Him,
and He will make straight your paths.

Be not wise in your own eyes;
fear the Lord, and turn away from evil.

It will be healing to your flesh
and refreshment to your bones.

Of Cars and Kingdoms

In the hours after the children unwrap their Christmas gifts, they become strangely hard of hearing.  In seems that when Lego sets and Matchbox cars are fresh from the box, they possess a mesmerizing power which can drown out the sound of my voice, the call of earthly responsibilities, and the sweet, soft song of older, formerly beloved pastimes.

I have seen a small boy drive a car through a tunnel of legs, a smattering of commands and admonitions, a minefield of competing distractions, and numerous tempting alternatives with serene obliviousness to all of it.

At that moment, the car has become the universe for this small boy.  It is the author and finisher of his entire existence.

It holds absolute sway over his emotions and actions, blinding his eyes, deafening his ears, bending his knees, and driving him to forsake all others and worship at its shiny, rolling altar.

At such times I have marveled at the power of such a small thing--that when given the choice between the attentions of his loving mother and a few moments with a cheap toy, he would devote his absolute and undivided attention to a 99 cent chunk of rubber and steel.

And it doesn't have to be a car.  Sometimes it is a book, or a movie, or an imaginary kingdom of the mind that captures my child and moves me from the epicenter of love, life, instruction, correction, and affection in his life to the distant edges of his mental universe where I rotate slowly, emitting a dim light and a voice like Charlie Brown's mother.  

This phenomenon isn't malicious.  It usually isn't even volitional, but it also isn't a healthy lifestyle as it can lead to poor grades, a filthy room, hungry pets, missed opportunities, bad smells, cavities, and death.

I was pondering this recently as I marveled over the fact that several of my children (who usually put a premium on an opportunity to eat food) chose to ignore three calls to dinner and the threat of an early bedtime because they could not hear my voice over the whine of a new remote control car.  

"Hmm," I thought.

"Did they not hear me?" 

"Did they hear me, but not take me seriously?"

"Did they hear me and take me seriously but prefer this diversion over a hearty meal?"

"Did they value this diversion over food to the point that they would welcome a long and certain consequence just to enjoy a few more moments of pleasure with a shiny distraction?"

Yes.  They didn't. And they did.  And they did.  And they would.

And so I walked over and picked up the car.

Suddenly I had every eye in the room, and at this point I had several reactions from the squirrels.

One child stared at me with a look of genuine surprise on this face.  He was not upset, simply surprised--as if he were attempting to process a confusing event or trying to drift back toward the sound of my voice from a very great distance.  It did not appear from his slack-jawed, blank-eyed stare that he had any idea about what had been asked of him or why his car was now up in the air spinning its wheels in my hand.

A second child sprang up like he was on a bed of hot coals, a look of guilty shame on his face.  He instantly ditched his remote and scuttled toward the kitchen dropping mumbled apologies along the way.  This one DID appear to have heard my instructions, and perhaps intended to obey, but had been distracted and lost track of time.

A third child stood up, squared her shoulders, roared her disagreement, and announced her intention to play on, giving full vent to her anger and disgust at being so rudely interrupted by anyone or anything. 

She had heard my voice (probably all three times), considered my request, and summarily tossed me to the curb.  If she had been big enough I have no doubt that her evening would have included me being bound and gagged and locked in my room whilst she drove cars until either they ran out of batteries or she did.

It struck me that my position of power and authority in our home (that of benevolent dictator) provides a unique training platform for my growing children, and 18 years of practice at listening and submitting to an older, wiser, more powerful, but always loving voice--one which has their best interests at heart and would (and does) lay down her life for them each and every day.

How they respond to that voice is their business, although that decision does not reside in a vacuum and will, to some extent, determine the trajectory of their lives.  

Although I took the same initial action (removing the vehicle from play) in the lives of each of the three children who failed to show up for dinner, I modified my secondary response based on the reactions and attitudes I saw from them.  

Now I don't have a perfect window into my children's motivations, but from my observations, Child A truly was deafened by the diversion, and once his situation was altered enough to hear my voice, he showed genuine surprise and an intention to quickly align himself with my plans for him.

Child B held slightly more culpability in that he HAD heard me, but had engaged in that universal human tendency to INTEND to do what was right...as soon as this project/game/activity was finished.

In this case, his intentions were good, but the timing was not, and a removal of the car was all it took for the work of repentance to take hold, and an apology and refocusing soon happened.

In the case of Child C, there was no question that not only was I heard, but I was violently rejected, my terms were deemed unacceptable, my timing was scorned, and my consequences were met with flashing eyes and a raised fist.

In this small interaction the same infraction required three different responses from me.  

In one, a gentle reminder, a commendation for quick obedience, and assurance that all was forgiven.

In another, a caution not to push aside my instructions and a promise that the car would be returned the following day if the child could show listening ears and a willing heart during dinner clean-up and bedtime prep.

The third involved much sorrow for the parent and escalating losses for a child who would not bend the knee until her world fell down around her ears.  In fact, our size differential and the gap in our relative power were the only things that kept her from her quest for my overthrow and her eventual world domination.

As it was, she was rescued from the tyranny of her temper by being removed to the safety and solitude of her bed, where she quickly fell asleep--but not before she lost all the ground she was fighting for, plus dinner.

Here is what I know about this situation:

1). My kids need to be fed regularly to keep them strong and healthy.

2). This needs to happen at a certain time to ensure that they are able to get to bed on time--another crucial element of their proper functioning and growth.

3). I made my children a nutritious dinner in a timely manner and called them to it.  The rest of the family was also waiting for them to show up so that we could eat and visit together.  The whole thing was intended as a blessing, but my sweet ones were too preoccupied to come, so I had to remove the distraction to reorient their gaze.

What happened after I did that was different for each child because their motivations for ignoring me were all different.

My heart toward every one of them was tender and loving, but my duty toward them was orchestrated by their own choices.  My job as a parent is to train them to be responsible, kind, considerate, loving, and receptive to those who have rightful authority over them and respectful to those who have their best interests at heart.

And sometimes that requires a hard line.

It is my least favorite part of parenting.  I wish I never had to allow or orchestrate consequences for my children that make them feel bad or angry.  I wish they would just trust me, listen to me, and enjoy the good things I want to give them. 

But sometimes they don't.  And it breaks my heart.

On some level, isn't that what we do to God when He speaks to us?   "I love you," He says, "Why won't you stop and listen to my voice?"

Or maybe, "Don't do that.  It will hurt you."  

Or, "It's not time for that.  You need to wait for a while."

Or, "Come away from your play.  I have something better over here, made just for you by my hand for your nourishment and edification."

"Look up, Child," he says.

 But we are too busy with our matchbox cars and paper dolls to hear him.

Or we hear Him and quickly forget.

Or we throw him an icy stare and play on.

And He bends down and picks up our toys, lifts our chins, and speaks straight into our eyes.  

Listen!  I love you too much to let you settle for lesser things.  

Too much to let you push away my care for you.  

Too much to let you destroy yourself with selfishness and anger.  

Of course, every time our plans are interrupted, it is not because we are ignoring God's voice. 

Sometimes it has nothing to do with discipline at all.  It is just a twist in the road that we could not see from our limited vantage point--a chance for God to give us grace, or show us mercy, or sanctify our spirits.


Sometimes it isn't even about us. Sometimes a Divine interruption is the avenue through which God will bless others, and we receive the double kindness of being both the loved and the lover as He moves us into a specific place of ministry.

But sometimes God does take all our pretty things as an act of love and discipline in order to bring us back to Himself.  And when your playthings disappear, it cannot hurt to ask yourself if perhaps you had given them first place in your heart.  

Perhaps He needed to stride into your living room and pick up your spinning car to get your attention.  

Perhaps you had forgotten His rightful place in your heart and He loves you too much to let you be satisfied with lesser things. 

 Where it goes from there is dependent on how you respond to His voice.  

We can choose to live Psalm 199:102-104

"…I have not turned aside from Your ordinances, For You Yourself have taught me. How sweet are Your words to my taste! Yes, sweeter than honey to my mouth! From Your precepts I get understanding; Therefore I hate every false way."

Or  the slightly harder road of 2Corinthians 7: 9-10

 "And now I rejoice, not because you were made sorrowful, but because your sorrow led you to repentance. For you felt the sorrow that God had intended, and so were not harmed in any way by us. Godly sorrow brings repentance that leads to salvation without regret, but worldly sorrow brings death."

Or we can bring on the heartache of Psalm 81:11-13, 16
 
"My people did not listen to My voice, and Israel did not obey Me. So I gave them over to the stubbornness of their heart, to walk in their own devices. Oh that My people would listen to Me, that Israel would walk in My ways!...I would feed you with the finest of the wheat and with honey from the rock I would satisfy you.”

Oh that I wouldn't be the girl who pulls her world down around her ears just so she can say she is queen of her own destiny!

I have been there!  Too often:( 

And so, I am sad to say, have my kiddos. Trust me when I say that that kind of power is not worth the two minute illusion of omnipotence you get to experience before you lose your stuff and are carried off to bed;)

 **********

 Psalm 95:7-8
 " For He is our God, And we are the people of His pasture and the sheep of His hand. Today, if you would hear His voice, Do not harden your hearts."

1 John 5:21 

"Little children, keep yourselves from idols."