And only ever to each other.
In this era of serial monogamy, no-fault divorce, conscious uncoupling, open marriage, and co-habitation, the idea of an exclusive, lifelong marriage seems almost quaint.
To each his own, right? I can just hear the chorus. Why limit your options? Why chain yourself to the same old boring person for 50 years when you could have fresh, new love every few years. Shucks! Every few weeks if you want to! They say that variety is the spice of life.
Except that when you strip them down, all of these modern domestic arrangements have one thing at their core: selfishness.
And I have yet to see anything beautiful come from that devilish characteristic.
What kind of security could be built between us if I promise to look after you--until it ceases to benefit me?
How can I fully trust a person who might be holding me with one arm and groping around for an escape hatch with the other?
It seems to me that these temporary arrangements create a situation where both parties are constantly evaluating their options--just in case.
And it strikes me that this just might be a barrier to true unity and authentic intimacy.
I never question whether my legs are just sticking with me until they can find a torso they like more. There is absolutely no chance of my ears having a bad day and going rogue. Ditto for my eyes, my head, and my elbows. Body integrity is one worry I can take off the table completely, which allows me to focus on the business of maximizing the life experiences of all of my parts. Every member of team Sandra is in this thing for better or worse, for richer for poorer, in sickness and in health, till death do us part.
Marriage was designed to be the same way--for our benefit, of course. Matthew 19:4-8 He [Jesus] answered, "Have you not read that he who created them from the beginning made them male and female, and said, ‘Therefore a man shall leave his father and his mother and hold fast to his wife, and the two shall become one flesh’? So they are no longer two but one flesh. What therefore God has joined together, let not man separate.”
The analogy of marriage being like a body is such a vivid picture. Can you even imagine lopping off your hands because they got old and you wanted a fresh set with no age spots or arthritis? Or ripping out your stomach for its persistent lactose intolerance?
Well, there is an emotional version of that scenario being pushed in our culture. It is known as "serial monogamy" or as I like to call it, "promiscuity in a prom dress".
On the surface it may seem like a satisfying way to rid oneself of the baggage of a tired relationship, but if you were to take a walk through the boneyard of your past relationships to see how that mindset worked out for the people you pursued, used, and discarded, how would they see it?
I'll tell you. They would see it (and you) as selfish. Not only does serial monogamy leave a trail of broken hearts, it Frankensteins your soul and leaves you lurching through life as an emotional cripple.
How about "no-fault" divorce? Pardon my giggle, but it sounds like something my kindergartner would come up with.
As in, "Mom, my Barbie doll overflowed the toilet ALL BY HERSELF."
Or, "Mom, he gave himself a bloody lip. My fist and I were just standing here being quiet and good the WHOLE TIME."
Newsflash. It is always someone's fault, and usually there is at least a little bit of blame on both sides. Grown-ups used to be the ones that knew that. At least have the guts to admit it when you go in and blow up your own marriage, folks.
Malachi 2:13-16 "You cover the Lord's altar with tears, with weeping and groaning because he no longer regards the offering or accepts it with favor from your hand. But you say, 'Why does he not?'
"Because the Lord was witness between you and the wife of your youth, to whom you have been faithless, though she is your companion and your wife by covenant. Did he not make them one, with a portion of the Spirit in their union? And what was the one God seeking? Godly offspring. So guard yourselves in your spirit, and let none of you be faithless to the wife of your youth."
Let's consider another new-fangled invention. "Conscious uncoupling" is a novel way to describe the slaughter of a relationship. It is often recommended by Hollywood types and is very progressive.
And silly.
Conscious uncoupling? Really? What's the alternative? Unconscious uncoupling?
Is that where you wake up one morning and go, "Whoa! What happened last night? I went to bed happily married and today I suddenly have a new girlfriend, a crazy ex, an overpriced lawyer, and my kids are in therapy."
Just because it is volitional, does not make it right. "The man who does not love his wife but divorces her, says the Lord, the God of Israel, covers his garment with violence, says the Lord of hosts. So guard yourselves in your spirit, and do not be faithless.” Malachi 2:16
And then there is that perennial favorite, co-habitation, which is also known as "living together", "shacking up", or "why buy the cow when you can get the milk for free". This concept carries with it all the covenantal seriousness of taking a used jalopy out for a test drive.
It does not imply permanence, or exclusivity, or devotion, or commitment. In fact, you can co-habit with anything or anyone. At one time or another I have (with varying degrees of satisfaction) co-habited with friends and relatives, mice, vegetables, dogs, roaches, visiting house-guests, and moldy bread.
I want more from the one I love.
Real marriage is so much more. It is selfless, reverent, outwardly focused, sacrificial. It is a "burn the ships--we're not going back" leap into a life where you no longer own yourself and your first consideration is for someone else's good.
It is hard. And wonderful. And forever.
A good marriage doesn't just happen. It requires work. It takes great care and daily nurturing. It involves compromises and acts of service and giving up of rights, and mutual consideration, forgiveness, faithfulness, vigilance, and protection.
Huh. That sounds pretty intense. But what if you're not into self denial? What if your highest priority is self-care, self fulfillment, self actualization, and self-love?
Well, then congratulations! You get nothing.
Or rather you get a culture that is so unfamiliar with the price of commitment that not only can they not sustain loving marriages, but they often abandon children, cheat their bosses, betray their family members, and have short-lived friendships full of drama and angst.
For Pete's sake, we aren't even faithful to our own genders anymore!
It is against this backdrop of transience and expediency that something like my parents' marriage shines.
Fifty years ago they closed the door on every option but each other. They united their hearts as one before God and man and made a life that carried them through multiple moves, job changes, births and deaths, financial hardships and times of plenty. It sustained them through disagreements and temptations, sadnesses and misunderstandings. It multiplied their joys and triumphs.
Their commitment to one another helped them forge a bulwark of protection and security around my brother and me--a place so safe that we never questioned its ability to carry us through our own struggles and insecurities. To this day, we look to them for comfort, wisdom, and advice.
They painted a picture of what love between two people can build within a community--a space where hurting people can be brought in and nurtured, an open door of hospitality for friends and strangers, a safe place for service and ministry and growth.
They pooled their talents, skills, resources, and vision and used them to simultaneously provide for their family and bless those in the town where they lived.
They sharpened one another and grew toward each other in interests, appreciation, and affection.
They became so used to the rhythm of "my life for yours" that when circumstances called them to drop their own plans, schedules, and desires and care for their aging parents, or help their extended families, or watch grand-kids, or do a favor for their children, they were able to do so with grace and joy.
In short, although they are not perfect, because they have chosen the path of true love--moment by moment for 50 years--they have built a legacy which their children, grand-children, and great grand-children are now proud to honor.
Mom and Dad, thank you for giving us the gift of your solid, unshakable commitment to each other and to God. Your marriage is a lovely picture of the way God loves us. Your willing sacrifices for one another continue to inspire us. Your covenantal faithfulness is a fragrant offering to your Savior. Happy Anniversary. We love you!
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1 Corinthians 13:4-8
"Love is patient, love is kind and is not jealous; love does not brag and is not arrogant, does not act unbecomingly; it does not seek its own, is not provoked, does not take into account a wrong suffered, does not rejoice in unrighteousness, but rejoices with the truth; bears all things, believes all things, hopes all things, endures all things.
Love never fails."
John 15:13
"Greater love has no man than this, that he lay down his life for his friends."
