Preaching What I Want to Practice

Or "How to Be a Good Mom, Part 3--Consistency"

Disclaimer:  I want to be clear that the following words are what I WANT to do, but reality has often been something quite different. 

And I am not just being humble, or fishing for "Oh, stop it, Sandra!  You are actually awesome at everything" type comments.  

I am pleading for wisdom and grace in this area because I just can't seem to catch everything I need to catch--in myself and in my children-- in order to be as consistent in my discipleship as I NEED to be.  

Certain little ones are taking advantage of that fact and laying down bad habits and attitudes.  Others are, I think, losing respect for the fact that my standards and my practice don't always line up as they should. 

So this section is painful to re-write because it is particularly convicting right now, and although the words are on my blog, I am sitting under the admonition as much as anyone else.  

Far from pounding the pulpit, I am cringing in the pew.  

OK.  Here goes...

3.  In all you do, you must demonstrate relentless consistency.

The old saying "actions speak louder than words" is so common as to be trite and easily dismissed.

But it contains a hard truth that is critical for parents to understand.  

Your children, even from a very early age, are studying you.

Even the slightest inconsistency in you--even if it is only demonstrated in a word, a tone of voice, or an expression--will lower your influence with them to a remarkable degree.

And when a child learns to distrust a parent, all her warnings, correction, and advice, however heartfelt, will fall powerless.  This is perhaps one of the main reasons why we so frequently see the children of godly parents grow up to reject the faith.

If your example is not uniformly consistent with your instructions, your instructions will become a useless mockery. 

***Here followed an example of a Mrs. Smith who came to her church elder in distress because her daughters were rebellious and unrepentant.  She begged with tears that he would pray for them and insisted that she had "done all she could--she had prayed for them, and talked with them" and still it had done no good.

A few days later, the elder observed the woman in casual conversation with another lady from the congregation.  Mrs. Smith was effusive and friendly in her interaction with this other woman, urging her to stay longer, exuding warmth and sweetness.

As the woman turned to leave, Mrs. Smith expressed the hope that they would see one another often...but scarcely had the door closed behind her "friend", when Mrs. Smith turned to her daughters and started bad-mouthing the woman to them.  

Even her expression changed.  All grace and charity was sucked out of the room as she began to tear her friend apart with a critical spirit, pointing out her flaws and making fun of her idiosyncrasies.

"It is no difficult thing," the elder wrote, "to see why 'it does no good' for the mother to 'talk about religion' to her daughters; and I thought it must be impious mockery for that mother to pray for the conversion of her children, while she continued to set before them such an example."***

We could insert modern examples that are much the same.  

Would what we say in front of our children about our family, friends, and co-workers bear repeating in public?  To their faces?  

Are we double-minded and fork-tongued?

How about exhorting our children to "be peacemakers" with each other as we lead with our impatience in our dealings with them?

What are we watching and listening to as we urge them to "set no unclean thing" before their eyes?

How well do we "submit to ruling authorities" (even the ones we don't like) and obey the law (including traffic laws:) as we lecture them about obedience to parents, teachers, and coaches, and teach them the importance of following rules?

Mothers!  Watch your conduct!

Your children watch it.  

Every expression on your face, every word you utter, every action they see you perform is scanned and scrutinized by them, and if they see that you are being inconsistent, they will eventually in their hearts despise you.

You cannot fool a child very long with regard to your true character;  the only sure way to appear consistent is to be so.

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 For those of you who find yourselves rocking back and forth in the fetal position after reading this, please don't despair!  

I hope that we always remember that God is merciful.  We are in need of His forgiveness and He is so faithful to grant it when we ask.  

And amazingly, so are our children!  

I have seen over the years that God has gifted little ones with vast wellsprings of forgiveness toward their parents, if we would only humble ourselves and ask--and then repent and try to do better by the power of God.   

May He grant us the strength to see our inconsistency, to turn from it, and to walk in His ways both publicly and privately!

Psalm 103

 

 Bless the Lord, O my soul,
And all that is within me, bless His holy name.
 Bless the Lord, O my soul,
And forget none of His benefits;
 Who pardons all your iniquities,
Who heals all your diseases;
 Who redeems your life from the pit,
Who crowns you with lovingkindness and compassion;
 Who satisfies your years with good things,
So that your youth is renewed like the eagle...

...The Lord is compassionate and gracious,
Slow to anger and abounding in lovingkindness.
 He will not always strive with us,
Nor will He keep His anger forever.
 He has not dealt with us according to our sins,
Nor rewarded us according to our iniquities.
 For as high as the heavens are above the earth,
So great is His lovingkindness toward those who fear Him.
 As far as the east is from the west,
So far has He removed our transgressions from us.
 Just as a father has compassion on his children,
So the Lord has compassion on those who fear Him.
 For He Himself knows our frame;
He is mindful that we are but dust.

 As for man, his days are like grass;
As a flower of the field, so he flourishes.
 When the wind has passed over it, it is no more,
And its place acknowledges it no longer.
 But the lovingkindness of the Lord is from everlasting to everlasting on those who fear Him,
And His righteousness to children’s children,
 To those who keep His covenant
And remember His precepts to do them.

 The Lord has established His throne in the heavens,
And His sovereignty rules over all.
 Bless the Lord, you His angels,
Mighty in strength, who perform His word,
Obeying the voice of His word!
 Bless the Lord, all you His hosts,
You who serve Him, doing His will.
 Bless the Lord, all you works of His,
In all places of His dominion;
Bless the Lord, O my soul!

Why!?

I am sometimes overwhelmed with the unequal distribution of pain and suffering in this world.  The longer I live the more staggering the inequity seems.  I think I am beginning to get a sense of the heart of the writer of the many psalms that express dismay at the apparent prosperity of the wicked, in light of the ongoing suffering and pain of those who attempt to follow God's will. 

As I consider yet another awful story of loss today, particularly within the context of what I know this dear family has already suffered over the past few years, I want to scream out... IT IS NOT FAIR!!

It seems as if there are times when God simply turns a blind eye to what is going on in the lives of his people.  Like they need to work out their struggles on their own. 

I think of the time that Jesus asked if the disciples wanted to leave after he finished delivering a particularly difficult teaching: 

"You do not want to leave too, do you?” Jesus asked the Twelve.  Simon Peter answered him, “Lord, to whom shall we go? You have the words of eternal life." John 6:67,68

I truly do believe this.  Despite the difficulty and the lingering questions and doubts, that there is no other answer for pain in this world.  

However, it is more than that alone.  I believe that God has good in store for those who are willing to let go of their hold on this life and trust in him (Romans 8:28).  Sometimes this needs to be acknowledged and believed despite all the apparent evidence to the contrary. 

However, it is not just as if turning to God is the last resort out of a host of unhappy options, it is truly what is for our good and ultimate glory.  Not only does God have our ultimate good in mind as we make our way through this life, but God entered into our suffering as well.  

Indeed, he has taken on incredible loss on our behalf simply in the act of coming to this earth as a man (Philippians 2).  He followed that amazing sacrifice and proceeded to die a miserable, criminal's death on the cross for our sins, in so doing experiencing something we could never conceptualize... 

...God the father breaking fellowship with the son and forsaking him on that cross.  

It is in this context that I feel I must view the pains of this life and the plans that God has for us.  He is so above us and so beyond our comprehension, that I am convinced he can not be fully understood by our finite minds.  

We most certainly do not know why God permits each individual tragedy to occur in the lives of people, especially the lives of those who seem to want to follow him, at the same time letting those who seem to flaunt his commands dodge proverbial bullet after bullet.  

There are some possible explanations that we can at least speculate on.  Perhaps God takes a life young to spare them further pain.  

 
"The righteous perish, and no one ponders it in his heart; devout men are taken away, and no one understands that the righteous are taken away to be spared from evil."  Isaiah 57:1 

Maybe God lets the wicked live on, because he hopes that they will come to salvation. 

"This is good, and pleases God our Savior, who wants all people to be saved and to come to a knowledge of the truth."  1 Timothy 2:3,4 

Or perhaps, he lets them live on to add to their condemnation.  

"You are storing up wrath for yourself because of your stubbornness and your heart that refuses to change. God's just judgment will be revealed on the day of wrath. God will repay everyone based on their works." Romans 2: 5, 6 

I do not pretend to know why God acts, or does not act, in different circumstances, but I do know this, that God has more love for his people than I do and is not random or capricious in his choices.  

This is the true hope and confidence I have. Not simply that there is no other place to turn.  It is this reason that even in the midst of unspeakable tragedy, I can still bless God and praise him in humble gratitude. 

---Jamey

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Yet I am always with you;
    you hold me by my right hand.

You guide me with your counsel,
    and afterward you will take me into glory.

Whom have I in heaven but you?
    And earth has nothing I desire besides you.

My flesh and my heart may fail,
    but God is the strength of my heart
    and my portion forever.

 

Those who are far from you will perish;
    you destroy all who are unfaithful to you. 

 But as for me, it is good to be near God.
    I have made the Sovereign Lord my refuge;
    I will tell of all your deeds.

  

Psalm 73:23-28

 

How to Be a Good Mom, cont'd...or "Ouch, Part 2"

Continued from the original 1849 sermons of Reverend James Cameron, as reprinted in the book Mothers of the Good and Wise.

Rewritten into the modern vernacular by yours truly:)

Part 2 --In a Nutshell:  "Stop talking about 'Me Time', pick up a book, and learn something."

Longer Version as Follows:

If you want to train up your children in the way they should go, Ladies, you have to be devoted to the cultivation of your own minds. 

You must take the rare, golden moments of leisure that come to you as a woman and a mother and use them with wisdom and discernment.   Read meaty, substantive books when you can--even if it is one or two pages here and there between other tasks.  

Attune your ear to issues of  global, local, and cultural importance.  Listen to good sermons and lectures. Engage in challenging conversations.  Place yourself near wise teachers.

In other words,  you have to actively seek out and store up useful knowledge in your own sweet head before you can impart it to your children.

Really, this ought to have been done before you took up the position you now hold, but sadly, the "education" which most of us received in our youth has left many of us in intellectual poverty--deficient and ill prepared to mold the minds of the next generation.

A hammer in the hands of a toddler is not a tool, it is a weapon.  In the same way, knowledge without wisdom is a weapon.  


Education, properly defined, is "the training of the intellect, the conscience, and the affections."



Does this describe your youthful educational experience?  If not, how do you propose to inform, instruct, and enlighten your children?   

You, Mothers, are the ones who must equip your children, not only to gain knowledge, but to use it wisely and for good, and you cannot give what you do not yourselves possess. 

Are you comfortable with leaving them to the the methods and models of an educational establishment that is content to feed children a trickle of facts, but neglects to explain how to use that knowledge in a moral context?

**Note--In the original sermon, there followed a warning about the dangers of then-current educational practices for young women;  namely, the emphasis on a woman's value being tied to her ability to look pretty and possess certain ornamental accomplishments, "securing admiration and applause" while allowing her mind to languish.   

I will attempt to update the warning to fit the even more dire circumstances in which we now find ourselves:(

As it did in the 1800's, our culture still puts a young woman's value on being pretty and popular, although we have now allowed it to strip her of modesty, dignity, and propriety, laying her open to every selfish abuse of soul and body imaginable. 

Modern society frustrates her with unattainable images of beauty, venerates female vapidity, and denigrates the value of traditional virtues.  

It mocks religion, and lies about the soul-searing consequences of sin.  

And then, after 12 years of telling a girl to kill every natural instinct and inhibition, it sets her loose to complete her own destruction, bruised, naked and snarling--ludicrously crowing about how powerful she has become. 

Mothers, can you speak with wisdom and clarity to your daughters about how and why they should ignore the incessant crooning of a pop culture that is obsessed with their bodies?  Can you help them overcome the temptation to become an object, valued only for it's beauty and the pleasure it can give?  

Can you tell them why they shouldn't be satisfied with cheap admiration and shallow praise?  Can you ignite their passion to become women of strength and character--culture shapers instead of zombies of conformity?

How about your sons?  Do you know how to instruct them in godly manhood?  How will you equip them to walk through minefields of perversity, to recognize righteousness and unmask falsity unless you are willing to learn those skills yourself first and then articulate them?

Do not forget the primary end of education!  Above all else it is to "know God, and make Him known."  We are to be teaching with a view to the future duties of our children, not just imparting dusty facts. 

Reverend Cameron wrote, "People, in order to find pleasure in duty, must have been trained to consider their duties as pleasures," and he urges women to continue, for as long as they live, to educate themselves, adding to their mental resources in order that they may equip their children to be over-comers.

It is cruel to lay up for your children a store of future wretchedness by giving them bits and pieces of an education--hints of a cohesive world view, but not the whole picture--while all the while the world is relentlessly emphasizing and rewarding their ability to dazzle and charm, creating in them an appetite for applause, winking at youthful selfishness, lavishing praise on rebellious behaviors, and undermining parental authority.

Do not be satisfied with a mere "2 + 2=4" view.  Go a step further!

"Dear Child, here is how math works--and here is how you can best use your knowledge of math (or science, or writing, or art, or philosophy) to communicate the truth of God to a waiting world."

That is education.  And it is not something that anyone else will do for your children.

It is your job.

In fact, the educational establishment, by removing the moral and religious element from public education, has created a vacuum which is being filled by a relentless stream of cultural sewage--airbrushed visions of sexual satisfaction, the worship of physical perfection and athletic prowess, the puffery of pop-stardom, the exaggerated importance of self-esteem, self-love, self-indulgence, and self-satisfaction.

It is a constant, hypnotic thrumming in their ears.  Are you loud enough to overcome it?  Do you even know what to say? 

Who else is going to educate them on how to pick a spouse?  How to be a good mother or father?  What it means to "love your neighbor as yourself", or how to be an honorable employee?  

How will they discern the proper (and improper) uses of science, or art, or medicine?  Who will introduce them to the hard blessings of duty?  Honor?  

What are the ethics of running a business, or running for office, or practicing law?  Why should they care?

They will flounder under anything less than purposeful, passionate, consistent, cohesive, persuasive, biblically based teaching, and it must start with you.  

And so I repeat, Mothers, you must actively cultivate your own minds.

Unfortunately, this does not happen while you are watching your favorite TV shows, scrolling through Facebook posts, reading novels, or vegging out in front of a movie.  Nor does it happen while you are out shopping, puttering around in the garden, redecorating your mudroom, paying bills, baking, mopping your floors, or while you are taking care of the many other tangible needs of your households.

Hours must be carved out of your busy lives and devoted to your own continuing education, somehow.  No more excuses.

Bottom line--you must be willing to be ruthless with your "Me Time," if it is standing in the way of your study of the Scriptures, meditation, and prayer, or if it is preventing you gaining knowledge in other areas.

Please do not be content with a superficial exposure to the things of God!  "Seek to know them in all their depth and fullness, tracing their bearings and connections, studying their harmonies and proportions" so that by having the Word of Christ dwelling in you, you might be "thoroughly furnished unto all good works."

And do not stop with Scripture!  All knowledge is God's knowledge.  Let your mind take in as broad a range of material as time and circumstances permit, from a wide variety of sources, but then be sure to take your learning to the foot of the Cross and "there let it be solemnly dedicated to the service of Him who died that sinful men might live."

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 Deuteronomy 6:4-9

  Hear, O Israel: The Lord our God, the Lord is one. Love the Lord your God with all your heart and with all your soul and with all your strength. These commandments that I give you today are to be on your hearts.  Impress them on your children. Talk about them when you sit at home and when you walk along the road, when you lie down and when you get up.  Tie them as symbols on your hands and bind them on your foreheads.  Write them on the doorframes of your houses and on your gates.

Happy 50th Anniversary!

I am SO grateful that I (and the rest of my family) was able to be witness to the absolutely beautiful ceremony of my parents renewing their wedding vows after 50 years of marriage!

In a culture that has devalued the institution of marriage and made it a thing to suit the whims of the selfish individualism of our day, how much MORE glorious it is to witness a couple who has struggled through many ups and downs and demonstrate tangibly how to put sacrifice and commitment above transient self aggrandizement, and achieve such a remarkable milestone!

Marriage was instituted by God in the very beginning, it is not a creation of humanity.  It was meant to be an example, on earth, of the love that is contained within the persons of the trinity.

To be the most intimate of human relationships, an opportunity to learn how to put the needs of the "other" above that of the self. 

This is the ultimate expression of true love and what God has demonstrated so clearly in the sacrifice of Christ; emptying himself of his place in heaven to come to earth and die a criminal's death on our behalf, only to rise again and provide eternal life to all who trust in him alone. 

I am so grateful to God for giving the grace and to my parents for making the commitment required to make this day possible.  I count myself privileged and pray a blessing of peace and joy upon my parents.  It is my hope, that with their renewed commitment, this time built upon the foundation of Christ's love, that they will experience the true depth of relationship as God intended and that this same peace and joy will spread like wildfire to all their offspring, forever and ever, amen. 

                                                                                                        --Jamey

1 John 4:7-12:  "Dear friends, let us love one another, for love comes from God. Everyone who loves has been born of God and knows God.  Whoever does not love does not know God, because God is love. This is how God showed his love among us: He sent his one and only Son into the world that we might live through him. This is love: not that we loved God, but that he loved us and sent his Son as an atoning sacrifice for our sins. Dear friends, since God so loved us, we also ought to love one another. No one has ever seen God; but if we love one another, God lives in us and his love is made complete in us."

The Ministry of Motherhood

There was a mom I used to see at Little League games last year.  She was there, as we all were, to see our boys play their hour of baseball in the spring sunshine.

The difference was that she was confined to her van, attached to a movable IV of some sort, watching her son live his small victories and defeats on the ball field with her head leaning back against the seat and tubes running into one of her thin arms.

She isn't there this year.  Whether that is because her son is not playing, or because she is no longer here to root him on, I don't know, but the remembrance of her (and the arrival of Mother's Day) started me thinking about the gift of motherhood, and the way it is so easy to under-value it while we are in the middle of it.

Even those of us who truly feel fulfilled by the calling, can be prone to exhaustion, exasperation, irritation, and aggravation.  It is easy to feel overwhelmed by the unrelenting needs of little ones, but as with so much else in this world, the small beauties of everyday life can best be felt under the keen awareness of their transience.

Even if these years are not cut short through illness or death, they are still brief and precious, and I want to remember that with gratitude WHILE I am in the trenches--not afterward with regret.

And so, in honor of Mothers Day, and in remembrance of the mother whom I saw pushing so hard against illness and weakness for the sake of her boy, I am publicly giving thanks for the ministry of motherhood.  

And not just for the warm, fuzzy parts.

I want to grow gratitude for the hard things, the repetitive things, the annoying things, the messy and disruptive things, the discouraging things, and the things that reveal to me the depth of my own selfishness.  

To that end, over the next week or so, I am going to be posting segments of a sermon written by the Reverend James Cameron, and delivered over 150 years ago for the benefit of the mothers in his congregation. 

It can be found in its entirety in a book called Mothers of the Wise and Good , but I have wanted to re-write it in slightly updated language for my daughters to read.

It is the hardest-hitting, most encouraging, "calling out" I have ever encountered for moms.  If it seems insulting or impossible, then maybe you are more sanctified than I am--or perhaps you don't have enough kids;)

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  "On the Qualifications Essential to the Discharge of Maternal Duties"

or

How to be a Good Mom

Part 1     

If you want to train up your children in the way they should go (Proverbs 22:6), you need to bury the idea that you are sufficient to the task.  

Because you're not.  

In fact, you need to "cultivate a deep and abiding sense of your own insufficiency."

 

***Side note:   Happy Mother's Day, y'all!  I told you this is a whuppin', but don't worry.  Truth sometimes stings before it sings:)***

 

I probably don't need to say much to convince you of the fact of your unsuitedness for the job.  If you have ever looked into the eyes of a little child and reflected on the magnitude of your responsibility, you are probably ready to ask, "Who could ever accomplish this task?"

Your job is to take the little souls in your home and train them for the glory of God--all the time wrestling with the same sinful nature in yourself that you are trying to help them overcome.

But as you watch them struggle with selfishness, anger, greed, deceitfulness, etc, you realize that you are struggling inside your self with the very same things.  

You have all the weakness of fallen humanity.  You are subject to all its temptations.  Your own spirit requires constant watching.  

Your own wayward heart is continually straining at its boundaries, and so even as you are trying to be a living picture of patience, grace, and holiness for your children to follow--even as you are trying match your daily living to your daily speeches--your own spirit wages war against you, and your failings call you a liar before your sons and daughters.

You are not up for this.  

And if EVER you become self-sufficient, be warned.  You will labor in vain because God has said that he "resists the proud, but gives grace to the humble."(James 4:6)

Why am I being so negative?  Am I trying to sink you into despair?  Make you throw up your hands in defeat?  

Never!  I want the enormity of the the task to drive you into the arms of the Savior.  I want the poverty of your human wisdom and the magnitude of your weakness to cause you to cast yourselves on the God of ALL wisdom and ALL strength.  

He is waiting to lavish you with His riches.  Listen to His promises!

"Cast your cares on the LORD and he will sustain you; he will never let the righteous be shaken."  Psalm 55:22

"He gives strength to the weary and increases the power of the weak.

Even youths grow tired and weary, and young men stumble and fall;

but those who hope in the Lord will renew their strength.

They will soar on wings like eagles; they will run and not grow weary, they will walk and not be faint."  Isaiah 40:29-31

God knows that you are not fit for the job on your own.  He is waiting to grant you His fitness, His strength, His success--if you will ask and then trust Him to teach you His ways.  

Picture a four year old child who wants to make a gourmet, five-course meal, but refuses the help of a master chef.  Even in a kitchen full of the shiniest implements and the finest of ingredients, her efforts are not likely to amount to much if she goes it alone.  

How much better for her to work with the one who knows how to get her where she wants to go!

Unfortunately, the natural unwillingness of the human heart to turn to God and to trust only in Him means that often we must be driven to His feet by our obvious failures and frustration.  

Once you are standing in the ruins of your own efforts--like the little one in the kitchen crying over her broken bowls and the burns on her hands and the spills on the floor--your heart will be more willing to cling to Him in child-like dependence.

The reality is that all power, all wisdom, and all blessings are from Him, and that without Him, every effort is in vain.  

"The absolute helplessness and moral impotence of fallen man is one of the most important lessons we can be taught; but alas! it is one of the most difficult for proud human nature to learn."

The Holy Spirit will teach you, if you are willing.  The blessing within the pain, is that once you see your own utter helplessness, you have a God who is waiting to equip you lavishly with all you need to overcome it.

Again, I beseech you (the 19th century lingo is so much more poetic:) let this sense of insufficiency grow in you to the point of becoming part of the fabric of your mind.  Only then will you be kept in the lowest levels of self-distrust, determined to keep a vice-grip on the sufficiency of Christ.  “My grace is sufficient for you, for my power is made perfect in weakness.” 2 Corinthians 12:9 

The mingling of a deep sense of insufficiency and a strong confidence in God will give you the best chance of helping your children to bear lovely fruit.

Because your sense of insufficiency will make you cautious, tender, watchful, prayerful.

 

And your confidence in God will give courage to your soul and strengthen you to grapple with the difficulties you will face. 

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Happy Mother's Day!  And many thanks to my dear family, who made mine so special.  I love you all--