What's In YOUR Ziploc?

I have on my desk a bag of relics from a life lived one hundred years ago.  The life (and the relics) belonged to my great-great-great uncle William J. Holland.

It was an important life in God's eyes, as all are.  But it was significant on another level as well.  The world, as it does for some few souls, also gave Great Uncle Will's life the stamp of Public Importance--and I have the medals, ribbons, awards, articles, and publications to prove it.

Great Uncle William was an ardent naturalist, authoring and illustrating the most complete butterfly and moth field guides in existence at that time. He was also a dinosaur hunter, and as the Director of the Carnegie Museum of Natural History, was one of the first to unearth and reassemble a complete skeleton of the great diplodocus.  He fraternized with the wealthy and famous of his day.  He was respected by his colleagues and counterparts.

He is also long dead and mostly forgotten by all but a relatively few people in his field.

I say this not to denigrate his memory in any way.  I am proud of my illustrious relatives and inspired by the ways in which they used their God-given abilities, but I am also humbled by the ignominious end of us all.  

Eventually, no matter how famous our name, we will be dust and the records of our greatest achievements will be stored in a Ziploc bag inside a shoebox inside a closet in the back bedroom of our great-great-great niece--if we're lucky.

 Most of us won't even get that much notice after a hundred odd years.  There may be a few books from our collection knocking around, or a tea set, or a stack of dusty letters, or old photographs that people will puzzle over.

On second thought, there probably won't even be photographs since no one ever actually converts those things from pixels to print anymore.

Nor do we write paper letters.

So we'll probably leave even LESS of a mark than our forbears did.  Like theirs, our bones will be in the earth, but our images will be stored in a massive Snapfish graveyard of forgotten accounts, and any writings we cranked out during our lifetimes will be locked up in a defunct hard drive in a storage unit somewhere.

And all our grandchildren will inherit is an old Kindle and our collection of Camelbak water-bottles.

While this may seem like a depressing topic, I think it is actually important to think about.  I only have a few years to scramble and scratch around down here.  What should I do with them?  What will my legacy be?  What's the point?  Day follows day follows day and I am ambling my way into eternity for something.  Right?

 For what?

Well, I have some choices here.

As a Christian, I have already made a public declaration of my intention to live my days His way for His glory.  This is not an attempt to be good enough to earn an "upgrade"--a ticket to an afterlife that beats the one I'm living now.  

Any goodness I demonstrate is only an outpouring of gratitude for the grace and mercy He has given me when he took my place on the cross--for the forgiveness of sins I did not know what to do with, for my adoption out of the slums of death into richness and beauty.  

Hallelujah! 

But no matter what I say I'm living for, it is the degree of the submission of my heart to the governance of God's will that will answer the question of legacy.  Up until I draw my last breath, I am building it or tearing it down.  

I have already taken my children by the shoulders and told them that sobering fact.  There is no "time-out" while you figure out where the starting blocks are for 30 years.  Nor is there a point where you get to quit trying and coast on what you accomplished in your youth.

My legacy is not ultimately governed by my circumstances, but rather how my heart causes me to act and react to my circumstances.  It is not determined by intentions or declarations or plans.  At the end of the day I will have built my legacy by a million decisions, big and little, made minute by minute during the entirety of my life.  

It happens with every habit we lay down, in slow changes of direction, in small laxities and excuses, or with strict watchfulness and discipline. Sometimes it happens accidentally, sometimes with great purpose. 

I would venture to say that there are probably going to be a large number of us church-goers who are surprised by our legacies...

...Like those of us who say we want to live for God, and instead discover that we have lived for our job, or for entertainment, or pleasure, or money, or fame.  Or those who show that our families and our friends are our REAL gods.

Conversely, there will be some that felt they never did anything of value, but who, because of their purity of faith and humble love for their Savior, will one day find that they have pleased Him greatly. 

And really, God's opinion of my legacy should be the only one that matters.

That is easy to say, but not always easy to live out, because sometimes I don't know what He wants. 

And sometimes I know what He wants from me, but I don't want to do it.

And then, sometimes I know what He wants, and I share His desire, but I don't feel like I have the strength, or I don't know how to start on the job, or I am paralyzed by my fear.

And then there are times I think I know what He wants, but I second guess my impulses because I know the power of self-deception.

Unfortunately, you can't rely on appearances to tell you if you are on the right road.  Some big, outwardly successful enterprises are God-ordained and God-blessed. (See Solomon's temple, the rebuilding of Solomon's temple, and the Jericho remodel)

Some big, successful projects look like heaven, but are rotten at the core. (See Herod's empire, Las Vegas)

Some people labor in obscurity for their whole lives, pouring their hearts out into the dust of discouragement and futility with God's full blessing.  (See half the world's missionaries and pastors and most of the prophets).

Others fail and fail again because of hardness of heart or hidden sin. (See most of Israel's kings)

I must say that at this point in my life, I had hoped to be able to point to a pattern of obvious successes in our family life.  I have looked to people who have "done it right" and tried to adopt what worked for them but the jury is still out for us.

And the new paths that are now being set before us could either end in beauty or in misery, but we won't know until we commit to one and follow it. 

*Sigh*  Why such a heavy topic this week?  Well, our family has a weighty decision to make. 

We have been offered a guardianship of our foster children.  It is not an adoption.  Their Mom will retain parental rights and input, and we will raise them accordingly, providing all moral, financial, and emotional support, and enabling visitation with their mother, all under the constant, loving supervision of the judicial system. 

For the next 15 years.

Our other option is to walk away from two precious children, whom we love, whom we know are attached to us, and let the professionals decide on another way to fix the mess they have made of this situation.  What a daunting decision!  What vastly different outcomes each one would bring for so many people. 

What if we do the guardianship and the anger issues we have been dealing with never go away?  What if we never have peace in our home?  What if someone is seriously hurt one day by a child whose heart never healed from being lied to and pulled too many directions?  What if their mother spends her days making false accusations, dragging us to court, or dropping into and out of her children's lives?

On the other hand, what if healing occurs?  What if lives are transformed and our family is strengthened through the ministry of "loving the least of these"?

If we walk away, we get instant peace, freedom from messy entanglements and risk, but at what cost?  The souls of two children will be set adrift yet again, forced to break yet another bond and deal with one more perceived rejection.  Where will they land?  How will our hearts heal from the loss of them?  What opportunities for sanctification (both theirs and ours) might be sacrificed?

On the other hand, what if God has a better plan for them somewhere else and we stand in the way with our determination to "make this work"?

My plan so far has been to pray a lot, read a lot, and trust in God's ability to redeem my well-intentioned mistakes, but as of yet I have no happy ending to report.  

I am, however, starting to think that as we decide who is successful in this life and who is not, we should be VERY careful not to use the world's definition of the word.

Up to this point I do not have a life characterized by obvious "success".  Not a single award to my name and not a lot to show that I am very great at making big decisions.  I spend most evenings repenting of the things I got wrong during the day.  I look at the outcomes of the choices we have made as a family over the years, and wonder "what if we had done things differently?"  Would God have been more pleased if we had gone that way instead of this way?

How often I have wished for a divine traffic light to appear in the middle of my confusion!  Just give me a clear direction, Lord!  I have the desire to follow in faithfulness, but mostly I either remind myself of a wind-up toy, running full speed in whatever direction it lands, or a turtle sitting petrified in the middle of a four lane highway.

The temptation is to look sideways and notice that while others are painting pictures that rival the Mona Lisa, I am drawing stick figures on fogged-up glass with my finger.  People over there are building their versions of the Notre Dame Cathedral and I can't get four Lego's to stand up on a table.  

How could this please God?  What hope do I have of creating a legacy that will bring Him glory with this kind of output?

Well, that is me judging myself by the world's standards, and a good way to drive myself to despair. If God gives you a set of oil paints, a prepared canvas--and talent, He expects you to paint the Mona Lisa.  If He gives me a window, hot air, and a finger, then I ought to draw my heart out with them and lift my face up for His smile. 

That said, I ought not use circumstances as an excuse for laziness or a license to sin.  As in, "God gave me chronic back pain, so that means I can bite your head off whenever I want to," or "I can't figure out what I'm good at, so I guess I'll do nothing." 

I am still supposed to walk in the strength of His power, but my path might lead to very different places than yours and the results might not be pretty.

I might be called to be faithful to an unfaithful spouse.   I might work myself to exhaustion and never please my boss.  I might disciple a beloved son for 20 years and have him reject all I stand for.  I might be called to die well at a young age, or be called to watch a child or my husband die too soon.  I might give all I have to a ministry and never see earthly evidence of growth.  

Everyone around me might be flourishing, and healthy, and effective, and glowing with beauty, but if God wants me to be hiding in caves from my enemies or tasting the bitterness of slavery, then I need to be OK with that. 

He will be pleased with me as long as He has my heart.  Outcomes have always belonged to Him.

Might I offer a word of caution here to those who are sitting amidst piles of marble and gold, planning the next Taj Mahal?  I have been where you are, and I know how easy it is to look over at the ones who are cobbling something together with Lincoln Logs and bubble-gum, and judge them. 

I say that with shame.  And now I am the one with the Lincoln Logs and more than a little doubt about my ability to do anything with them.   

Remember the anger of God toward Job's smug friends who thought righteousness automatically earned keys to the good life!

Remember the exhortations throughout the New Testament to "encourage one another and build each other up".

 Remember not to "let any unwholesome talk come out of your mouths, but only what is helpful for building others up according to their needs, that it may benefit those who listen."  Ephesians 4:29

Remember to "Rejoice with those who rejoice; mourn with those who mourn." Romans 12:15

" Blessed be the God and Father of our Lord Jesus Christ, the Father of mercies and God of all comfort,who comforts us in all our affliction so that we will be able to comfort those who are in any affliction with the comfort with which we ourselves are comforted by God."  2 Corinthians 1:3-4

I shudder to think how many weary pilgrims have been withered by the judgement of those who have never had to bear the weight of depression, or chronic pain, or bereavement, or anxiety, or unfaithfulness, or the heartbreak of a prodigal child, or the unrelenting demands of pastoral ministry.

Our family is currently on the battlefield of orphan care and I can say that we are feeling pretty weak and confused--and incompetent, tired, crabby (I'm being honest), and sometimes even unwilling.  

My heavenly vision of floating serenely between the dear ones in my home, bestowing wise words and gentle caresses keeps getting blown up by the sound of screaming, and I'm jealous of people who can sit through a meal without putting someone in time-out.  

So when you see me in the grocery store with steely eyes and tight lips and I march right past without saying, "Hi," don't be offended.  Pray for me.  That's probably what I was doing when I didn't notice you.

When my toddler sticks her tongue out at you, don't congratulate yourself on your superior parenting skills. Pray for me.  As a foster mom, my only disciplinary tool for her is earnest conversation (sometimes called begging)--and we all know how well that works on three year olds.

When we show up at your house for dinner looking haggard and confused and no one remembers their manners and we break things, don't lose our phone number.  Pray for us.  We probably had two visits and a state inspection that week, or maybe it was two missed visits and five days of angry flare-ups.   Whatever.  Just pray for us. 

I wish I could insert a happy thought here to brighten your day, but I just have a tiny whisper of encouragement for my fellow desert wanderers.  Keep your chins up!  The Lord looks at the heart!  Work in a manner that will bring glory to God's name, in His strength, with worship and praise, integrity, diligence and faithfulness.  Remember that He will take care of the rest. 

And here is a little preview of my epitaph for you Gold-pile sitters:  Where you are, I once was.  Where I am, you will be:)  Keep your mortality ever in your sight, encourage others out of the reserves of your strength, give out of the grace you have been given.  We need you!

Micah 6:8

And what does the Lord require of you?
To act justly and to love mercy
    and to walk humbly with your God.

**************************
 Matthew 5:3-12

“Blessed are the poor in spirit,
    for theirs is the kingdom of heaven.
⁴ Blessed are those who mourn,
    for they will be comforted.
⁵ Blessed are the meek,
    for they will inherit the earth.
⁶ Blessed are those who hunger and thirst for righteousness,
    for they will be filled.
⁷ Blessed are the merciful,
    for they will be shown mercy.
⁸ Blessed are the pure in heart,
    for they will see God.
⁹ Blessed are the peacemakers,
    for they will be called children of God.
¹⁰ Blessed are those who are persecuted because of righteousness,
    for theirs is the kingdom of heaven.

¹¹ “Blessed are you when people insult you, persecute you and falsely say all kinds of evil against you because of me. ¹² Rejoice and be glad, because great is your reward in heaven, for in the same way they persecuted the prophets who were before you.