Forgiving...and Forgetting I Forgave

"Forgive our sins as we forgive" you taught us, Lord, to pray;

but you alone can grant us grace to live the words we say.

How can your pardon reach and bless the unforgiving heart

that broods on wrongs and will not let old bitterness depart?

In blazing light your cross reveals the truth we dimly knew,

what trivial debts are owed to us, how great our debt to you.

Lord, cleanse the depths within our souls and bid resentment cease.

Then, bound to all in bonds of love, our lives will spread your peace.
 

The words to this hymn are sobering.  Silencing.

Why, why, why is this so hard?  

Why can't it be "forgive the ones who feel bad after they hurt you"?  Or "forgive the ones you like"? 

 Even "forgive the ones who don't keep doing the same exact thing to you over and over and over" would be easier to swallow.

But "forgive as you have been forgiven" is the standard, and we MUST live by it.  

"Bless those who persecute you; bless and do not curse." Romans 12:14

"Do not be overcome by evil, but overcome evil with good." Romans 12:21

"Bear with each other and forgive whatever grievances you may have against one another. Forgive as the Lord forgave you."  Colossians 3:13

And then, of course, Psalm 103

^"8 The Lord is compassionate and gracious,
    slow to anger, abounding in love.
⁹ He will not always accuse,
    nor will he harbor his anger forever;
¹⁰ he does not treat us as our sins deserve
    or repay us according to our iniquities.
¹¹ For as high as the heavens are above the earth,
    so great is his love for those who fear him;
¹² as far as the east is from the west,    so far has he removed our transgressions from us."

I am talking to myself here. 

Home again early from Bible Study, I was reading Matthew 18, feeling as convicted as I could possibly be about the two square inches of forgiveness I possess for certain people.  

Big people.  Tiny people.  It doesn't matter.

Once offended, my inclination is to offer up a pardon the size of a postage stamp and tell the offender to, "Stick it anywhere you want.  Hope it covers, cuz that's all yer gonna git". 

 Stingy and incomplete and unacceptable, my dear Mrs. Birmingham! 

We have each heard a sermon or twelve about how Peter came to the Lord, feeling all generous with his offer to forgive "seven times" and gets told, "Nope, Buster.  It's infinity times.  And not only that, if you don't, you will be judged with the measure you use on others." (my own paraphrase;)

Oh, mercy!


I pretty much have to preach this message to myself on an ongoing basis because it is something I stink at.   

Can you really have forgiven someone if you say it and act like it, but you don't feel like you have inside?

Is it enough to say, "I forgive you", while you are still crying and wishing you could run out of the room?  

When does it count?  

And here is another question.  Could the "seventy times seven" be for just one offense?  

Because what happens to me (to my shame and horror) is that sometimes I will really FEEL like I have buried the offense.  Given it to God!  Freed my soul!  Prayed the prayers and believed the Word and I am ready to love again with my whole being.  Nothing held back!  I go to bed with rainbows and butterflies and unicorns holding hands and singing Kum Ba Ya in my soul...

...and the next morning at breakfast the old grudge shows up--with bed head and bad breath, gettin' all up in my face.  

What's this?  There has been no new offense!  This one was supposed to be dead!  I was at the funeral!  I danced on its grave!  Remember the five verses of Kum Ba Ya I sang???

So why is it sitting at my table?
  
And how do I get rid of it...again?

And if it is here, what did I really bury?

Is there such a thing as serial forgiveness for an offense that is only "mostly-dead"?  

Does the fact that I can't make forgiveness stick, mean I don't really understand grace?

I don't know the Greek in the original Matthew 18 passage well enough to decipher whether Christ is commanding Peter (and all of us) to forgive a million sins committed by one brother, or one sin that repeats itself a million times (either in reality or mental replay).  Or both.   

But here is what I know.

I know Whom I have believed.

I know that He who began a good work in me "will carry it on to completion until the day of Christ."  Philippians 1:6

I know "I can do all things through Christ who strengthens me." Philippians 4:13

I know that Christ has said," My grace is sufficient for you, for my power is made perfect in weakness.” 

And so I can say with the Apostle Paul, "Therefore I will boast all the more gladly about my weaknesses, so that Christ’s power may rest on me."  2 Corinthians 12:9

Because I am like the 10 month old, who gets her legs for two seconds and decides to let go of Daddy's finger and start dancing in the end zone.  

We've all seen how that ends.  

The baby lands in a heap.  A look of shock and amazement flits across her face.  She tears up.  Looks up.  Reaches up.  And with her Daddy's help, gets up. 

  Maybe in another couple months (or years?), I'll have the faith and strength to take a couple more steps toward permanently squelching unforgiveness. 

For now, I seem to need every crutch, every reminder, every song and story and Scripture verse I can scratch together to help me keep its ugly mug away from my breakfast table every morning.

Baby steps...