I like to fix things and clean up messes.
I like to make plans. And back-up plans. And back-up, back-up plans (just in case).
I am organized and alphabetized, and energized.
Give me a cause!
Hand me my marching orders!
I'm here! I'm ready! An eager member of the "Orderly, Diligent, and Dutiful Believers Against Lassitude and Languor Society" (aka O.D.D.B.A.L.L.S.) at your service!
So! It is to be a foster care assignment! Splendid! I LOVE kids.
Let me get my notebook, Lord!
I will plan on a lot of parenting patience, large doses of affection and understanding, a loving shoulder to cry on, flexibility with home schooling for a while, a measure of sympathy for the poor bio-mom, (bless her heart).
I know Jamey doesn't have a work partner, so I will assume You are going to throw that in shortly after we start this thing up. (We'll want to have Daddy home extra now, won't we;)
I've done this before, so You were smart to think of me for this one. Can I assume that You will be sending kiddos who will be a natural fit for our family? Well under school age please--but really that is not too big a deal since the timetable for their stay will be a year or less, per state and federal law.
And You remember that I run a busy home school and also that I have that sensitive youngest son, right? I made a little list of "things to avoid when picking our foster kids" and it goes as follows:
1. Angry outbursts. (A few are fine, but Jamey really does need peace after these 12 hour days.)
2. Violence of any sort.
3. Lying, stealing, and wanton destruction. Again, I expect some of this, but not a pattern because You know we have other little eyes watching and learning here!
4. Attachment disorders. We would really like to bond easily and naturally. It makes sharing Your Good News so much easier, as You know. And of course, this is the logical reason why we are agreeing to foster younger kids at this time.
5. A bio-Mom who plays us and milks the system. Cut and dry, por favor. I'd either like her to turn her life over to You, or relinquish her rights at the nine month point.
6. Since we are serving You so willingly in this way, it would work best for us if You would refrain from sending family tragedies, health scares, and work drama our way just now.
7. Incompetence in the system. We would really do best with a team of like-minded lawyers, judges, and social workers--You know people who also LOVE children and take a compassionate, common sense...
Whoa! Where are we going? I really wasn't done giving You my list, but I guess we can do that on the way to...
...nowhere?
I'm not sure what that means. And actually this map You gave me looks like a giant circle.
And it's blurry. I'm going to need more details here, here, and here. Actually, everywhere because there AREN'T any details...who wrote this? Are You subcontracting?
And I wanted to talk to You about the whole "Jamey's work thing" because his partner never showed, and, maybe You weren't aware, but one of his physician assistants is leaving for another job.
And did you read the part about "peace" and "bonding"? Because those elements are coming a lot slower than scheduled.
What? Well, I scheduled it, but I was pretty sure You would sign off on it...and speaking of schedule, we are edging up on a year with no dramatic conversion for mom and no relinquishment of rights.
Make that a year and six months...a year and nine months...two years...two years and five months...with (I just learned) a likely extension coming in February? Really?
We need a conference! REGROUP! REWIND! RESIGN!
I'm feeling a little quivery just now, to be honest. And this is definitely not My Best Life Now.
And my lists are all over the place because the boys made them into paper airplanes when I was trying to retrieve a pillowcase from the toilet after Keira flushed it.
And do You realize that if one more incident report comes home from school, I will have to go in and speak to the principal?
And I will never fit that in between all the visits I attend, visits I plan for which are cancelled at the last minute, visits I supervise, visits I don't supervise, visits I host, visits I reschedule, and (here's my favorite), visits I will be having but won't know about until a social worker shows up at my door for a "SURPRISE! We trust you COMPLETELY and are SO grateful for your record of TOTAL COMPLIANCE, RELIABILITY, LOVE, SERVICE, and SACRIFICE" examination/ interrogation.
And on top of this, I have had to drive my own kids to lessons, practices, appointments, keep a house above health department specs, teach five grades, serve at church, serve in the community, bless my husband...bless my soul!
It's a Message! Let's see..."Be still and know that I am God."
OK. Be still right now? Or forever? What about my questions? Or were You going to surprise me?
It's just that I don't really LIKE surprises because there isn't really a LIST for that...Oh! What's this?
Another message! Got it...yes, joy...strength, faithfulness continues through all generations...my peace I give...
Um...this is the same message You already sent. Actually, You send it a lot, and I appreciate it. I really do! It's just that there is no ITINERARY attached for ME. I don't have a direction to point my nose in, or an end point in this little endeavor. And You know I'm a planner! So, what's the goal here? What are we going to accomplish, You and me?
It's just You? It always was?
It is better so. And maybe I should start believing it.
"For my thoughts are not your thoughts, neither are your ways my ways," declares the LORD. Isaiah 55:8
"There is a way that seems right to a man, but in the end it leads to death." Proverbs 14:12
"For the foolishness of God is wiser than man's wisdom, and the weakness of God is stronger than man's strength." 1 Corinthians 1:25
I have seen it with my own eyes a thousand times. And yet I give it up. Take it back.
Say, "It's Yours." Mean, "It's mine."
Posture about "God being in the driver's seat" while I am trying to claw my way over the back headrest.
I have read the story of King Saul, and seen myself. He was also a planner. A schemer who showed a consistent disregard for God's timing and tenets. Among other things, he offered unsanctioned sacrifices, ignored God's instructions to destroy the spoils of a battle, and consulted mediums. All the decisions had a rhyme and a reason. They showed logic and good forsight, but they were not of God.
And Saul lost his throne. (1 Samuel)
Saul's successor, David, had the oil of kingship put on his head by God's own prophet. He knew it was God's will that he be king, and yet he was content to go back to keeping sheep until it was time.
He waited. He eventually was called to sit, day after day, in front of the throne that would one day be his, and play the harp to comfort his enemy. He dodged spears, and played, and watched, and waited.
He served as a soldier for Saul. And waited.
He befriended Saul's son with a true and open love. And waited.
Eventually he was hunted like a dog by King Saul. The crown was rightfully his and yet he was pursued like a criminal. I can't even imagine the temptation it would have been to end it in the cave with a knife.
Peace within his grasp! God's will be done sooner rather than later! What a perfect plan!
But it was not of God, and so David waited.
God's plan was circuitous. And painful. It cost David years of life, hours of fear, nights without sleep, and even his dearest friend, Jonathon. And yet he tuned his heart so closely with God's that God's plans BECAME his plans. And so God gave David the throne and called him friend. (1 Samuel again)
Which is better, Ishmael's sordid beginnings or Isaac's miraculous birth?
Haman with his plots or Esther with her pure faith?
Peter with the sword or Peter with the Spirit?
Me with my lists and plans and fretting, or God with his divine and mysterious agenda?
Hmmm. Time to burn my notebooks.
*************************
The day has passed and nothing's done
And the whole world seems against me,
Teach me, Lord to have faith
That what you're bringing me
Will change my life and bring you glory.
Here in the storm I am learning to let go
Of the will that I so long to control.
There may I be in your arms eternally
I thank you, Lord, you are the calmer of the storm.
You rebuke the wind and the waves
Once again I find I'm amazed
At the power of your will.
I am a child of little faith
I feel the wind and forget your grace
And you say, "Peace, be still."
--From "Calmer of the Storm" by Downhere
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