Jude's Wedding Jitters

A week ago Jude (age 6) began discussing his future plans for life in “a big house with ten sons and a fat (?) car.” 

We established that it would be in Michigan or California, and I mentioned that I hoped it would be Michigan because I wanted very much to live near him, at which point he looked at me with incredulity, and said, “Of COURSE you’ll live near me!  You’ll live WITH me because you’re the Mom!”

Then followed a discussion on how I was already married to Daddy, and how someday he would meet a nice girl and get married to her and SHE would be the Mom and I would be the Grandma. 


It blew his mind to the point where he shut down the conversation and went out with his bucket to catch fish in the creek for a while.

Since then, he has brought up the topic several more times, trying, I think, to warm up to the idea of this nameless future wife of his.  (“Well, who is she?  Do I even KNOW her?  What if I don’t like her? Can you just show her to me?  Etc.)

It came to a head on Sunday as I was tucking him in for his nap.  He threw out a few more questions about his bride-to-be (which I could not answer), and then asked in a tremulous voice, “What do I have to do for my wedding.”

I launched into a nice description of how you go to the church with all of your friends and family—and the bride:)—and the pastor blesses you and prays for you, and asks you to promise to take care of each other, and then there’s a party…and on and on I went, making it sound as lovely and fun as it is designed to be...

...until I noticed that his face was buried in the pillow and his shoulders were shaking with sobs.  Truly alarmed, I wrapped my arms around him as he poured out fear after fear, at times crying too hard to speak.

His concerns were so sweetly naïve that it was hard not to smile a little, even as my heart broke for his distress. 

 

“What if I don’t like the church she likes?  What pastor will be there?  Do I know him?  I only like our pastor.  Where will you be?  Can I sit with you?  I don’t want to talk in church!  I don’t want a wife!  I just want to stay six and have ten sons and that’s ALL!”

Nothing I said to him brought him comfort, so finally I just rubbed his little back until he fell asleep, saddened at my inability to help him see that the things that were striking terror into his little heart would be joys and blessings when he really faced them.

I left his room thinking about the fierceness of my love for my children, about my desire to protect them from fears—both real and imagined—and my longing for them to have lives of joy and peace and fulfillment. 

I passionately desire the best for them, and when I cannot help them face their dragons because they either 1) can’t understand me, 2) won’t listen, or 3) don’t believe me, it grieves my heart.

Which puts me in mind of the times I have worried, and wasted tears, and lost sleep over “what-ifs” that looked like monsters, but were really the equivalent of a six year old fretting about the details of his future wedding.

I wondered why Jude couldn’t just let go and trust me when I said “this thing you are afraid of—it will really be the best day of your life!  Trust me, I’m your mom and I will never lie to you."

And then I remembered with sadness all the times that God was speaking the same thing to me and I still cried myself to sleep.

“Trust me, I’m your Abba Father and I will never lie to you.”

Matthew 11:28  “Come to me all you who are heavy laden and I will give you rest.” 

Psalm 86:15  "But you, O Lord, are a God merciful and gracious, slow to anger and abounding in steadfast love and faithfulness."

 John 3:1  "See what kind of love the Father has given to us, that we should be called children of God; and so we are." 

  Romans 8:38-39  "For I am sure that neither death nor life, nor angels nor rulers, nor things present nor things to come, nor powers, nor height nor depth, nor anything else in all creation, will be able to separate us from the love of God in Christ Jesus our Lord."

Little Jude eventually went to sleep in my arms, and I eventually (usually) let go of my frets and fears and trust my Savior, but wouldn’t it be nice to not have the hours of stewing and weeping beforehand?  

Wouldn’t it be nice to just fall back into the deep knowledge that there are some future events and circumstances that I cannot wrap my mind around, and trust God when He says He will work them to my good?

And that’s another thing.  I can't "work" the future out for anyone, including myself.

I have lots of love, but no power.  


I can’t guarantee that Jude’s wife will be nice, or that his 10 sons will be hale and hearty, or that he will even live to see those blessings.

But I have a Father who has both love and power--limitless, fathomless power, both to divine what is truly best for me, and to effect it.  

How, how, how do I spend one moment in useless worry?  Even over the things that truly are life-altering threats?

God has taken my tear-stained face in His hands and spoken promises that cannot be shaken.  

He has proven His love by giving His Son for my redemption.   

He has left me his Spirit for comfort, intercession, and conviction.   

He has preserved his living Word for my refreshment and instruction.    

He has secured my eternity through His blood.

How can He be so patient with me when I come to Him yet again with my “nap-time worries” –and refuse to be comforted? 

I am basically casting doubt on His ability, questioning His veracity, and setting my wisdom above His.  What God would put up with that level of chutzpah?

Mine would.

Because in addition to being King of the Universe, He is also my Abba. 

He has adopted me and called me his beloved, and He looks on my weakness with tenderness and understanding.

And just so I don’t miss this act of mercy, after everything else He has done, He reaches down and paints pictures of His great care for me through the mirror of the relationship I share with my children.

In the compassion I feel for the frailties in my own little ones, I see His great compassion for me.

How loved am I!  

**Praying for several dear friends who are walking with their children through valleys of uncertainty right now.  May you be comforted by God’s word and his Spirit, and by the knowledge that His strength is made perfect in our weakness. (2 Corinthians 12:9)**

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Psalm 103:14

…Just as a father has compassion on his children, So the LORD has compassion on those who fear Him. For He Himself knows our frame; He is mindful that we are but dust. As for man, his days are like grass; As a flower of the field, so he flourishes.…