A (slightly mushy) Thank You Note

I am not trying to brag.

I am not trying to embarrass anyone (Jamey).

I am not just flippantly throwing out a "you're the best" type comment here.

But in this age of disposable marriages, confusion about the definition of marriage, and denial about the importance of marriage, I am truly grateful for mine. 

A few months ago, Jamey was involved in a Facebook conversation with some people who insisted that marriage is an unnecessary, man-made institution--an ill-conceived form of bondage that serves to strangle our freedoms and passions. 

A love killer.

In fact, one very passionate poster insisted that marriage is responsible for "murdering the family unit", and for the abuse of untold numbers of  women and children through the ages.

Oh, my heart!  How do you begin to open a person's eyes to the magnificence of God's design for us in marriage?

Over the past 17 years I have watched the transformation of two, young, selfish, immature people into something else entirely...

...well, not entirely.  We are entirely old now, so that's different, but in the interest of full disclosure, I'd have to admit that I'm still pretty selfish and that we both have quicker tempers than we'd like.  I can say that we have learned to squash those tendencies quicker than we used to, by God's grace, so that is progress!

Anyway, (before I derail this blog completely) back to my point. We started out well-intentioned, full of passionate feelings, desiring to honor one another and God, but unfortunately, it was often our feelings that thwarted us in that goal. 

How often did we allow stress or exhaustion or anger to move us away from that first flush of romantic passion!  With the strong personalities we both have, if we had not been grounded in something bigger than both of us, we would surely have ended in misery. 

ONLY by re-centering on the the fact that our relationship was meant to be a picture of the way Christ loved us, putting our good above His own, could we avoid the pitfall of being enslaved by our emotions, and ultimately destroyed by our inherent selfishness.  He loved us  to the point of death!  How can we, as His followers, not die in smaller ways every day for one another!

I read an excerpt from Timothy Keller's new book The Meaning of Marriage a few weeks ago that made so much sense to me.  He writes, "The only way for you to be truly free is to link your feeling to an obligation.  Only if you commit yourself of loving in action, day in and day out, even when feelings and circumstances are in flux, can you truly be a free individual and not a pawn of outside forces."  Bingo!

I am becoming, by God's grace, less a slave of my emotions and more a volitional lover of my husband and my children, and everyone around me.  This is freedom!  It is safety.  And comfort.  And it ultimately breeds TRUE, deep, abiding love.

As Keller points out, "only if you maintain your love for someone when it is not thrilling can you be said to actually love a person" as opposed to loving "the feelings, thrills, ego rush and experiences that the other person brings."  What a security that brings to the one being loved!  I can testify to that.

This is not performance based!  I do not need to worry about failing the audition, now or ever.  I'm in!  I am the beloved, for better or worse, for richer or poorer, in sickness and health, whether plumpish or gaunt, crabby or cheerful, weepy or strong,  no matter how often I leave the milk out and forget to close kitchen cabinets (although I am trying to get better on this).

Watching my husband love me like this for almost two decades has made me understand a little more about the love of God for an (often) unlovely people.  Just in the past week, Jamey has (without complaining) given up all his plans for a free Saturday (of which he has very few) to take care of a pile of children so I could stay in bed until my headache was gone.  At 1 o'clock in the afternoon, I rolled downstairs to find my household in perfect order and my husband leading the children by example in service to me.

He spent the second half of his day beautifully cleaning and re-organizing my pantry--a gift which has kept on giving all week!  (Who knew we had six open jars of peanut butter and a box of crackers from 2009?)

He volunteered to make dinner for, and then shower our small children on Sunday night so that I could go out for a run. 

He has been a model of tenderness and self-control with some very challenging parenting issues which have lately arisen.

Despite struggling with daily arthritis pain and fatigue, he is faithful at work, faithful at church, faithful at home and in his friendships. 

He made a special trip to Costco to buy me the planters I mentioned I liked.

Tonight, he ate broccoli.  Without audibly gagging or making a face.  Because I made it.

And that was just this week.  It's only Tuesday!  And it's a partial list.  Enough said.

What the "down with marriage" crowd neglects to see, is how contagious this kind of love really is.

How the beloved responds to being cherished--by loving the lover.

Funny how forgetting to take a constant pulse on how YOU are feeling can actually make you feel better.  Funny how serving when it isn't convenient or fun or fulfilling, can actually be the means of fulfillment.  Funny how doing the last thing you want to do can put you first in someone's heart.

So, thank you, God, for designing such a beautiful picture of your great love for us in the marriage relationship.  And thank you, Jamey, for living it out so faithfully.  I love you!